3/5

I've kept off this blog while I finished off with Year 12 and started my exams. So far they're going fine - more than fine, actually, I'm very proud with what I've done and pretty sure that I've got A in English Literature and at least a B in French. English Language on Friday, and there's Psychology after half term, but I dunno if I want to revise for that as I don't agree with the course content - learning about the more extreme treatments for depression isn't exactly something that appeals to me.

Not much to report really. I've been enjoying actually being able to sleep in and stay up and having control over what I've doing. A small amount of stress over YouTube, perhaps, but it's just the habit of getting my name up there that is doing it. I'm about to hit 1,000 subscribers so I'm super excited about that. Collaborations are coming in, I'm booked up to make documentaries and montages at Comic Con and I'm also going to be part of THE hottest new collaboration channel for us smaller YouTubers, which is called PleasantTalk.

There have been ups and downs - the ups being hanging out with my college friends in town and watching the sun go down. That was incredible therapy. There's another boy who likes me, and bless him, he is such a gentle soul. We're all gonna go camping soon which will be nice :)

I don't know how I feel about GuyImetatParty anymore. We had a 2 hour Skype conversation a few weeks ago which was nice I guess. Talking to him makes me feel calm and safe and secure and like I'm okay but then it makes me feel confused and I remember the pain and end up lost all over again. Not talking to him makes me feel like I'm hurting again and lonely and misunderstood by all those around me, yet my head becomes clearer and I begin to start looking at other guys in That Way again.

I guess guys deciding they have a crush on me confounds me slightly. I'm starting to adopt the he-likes-me-so-therefore-I-should-get-out-of-this-stupid-bubble thing again, which is how I ended up going out with my ex for 3 days. So I need to be careful and just let myself heal. But it would be so nice just to meet someone who would be worth it. Who would pale in comparison to GuyImetatParty. But until that day comes, this is how I am.

Not long to go now I guess in terms of college, but then I remember that it doesn't stop then. My friends won't all fade away like they did at my old school as soon as the summer holidays started, and that's a good thing. There'll be days out and road trips and holidays and parties and all the fun things, but I guess I won't have Rach time so much. Maybe that's a good thing. And I doubt I'll see GuyImetatparty much so maybe he'll just get lost away within the summer heat, burning up in the sunrise and cooling to a thin sheen of ice on the dark side of the moon. We can live in hope.