mIrAcLeS

I haven't written in more than a month; as always, I've been busy finishing off exams for Year 12 and starting Year 13. The major thing that happened is that I got diagnosed with depression with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I'm now on anti-depressants. Which has vastly improved my life - although sometimes my sleeping pattern suffers, I've felt happier, and the flashbacks, as well as panic attacks have stopped. I have more energy during the day, and people have been commenting on my awesome change in mood. So that's one good thing. y

A lot of stuff has also happened in terms of boys. Now that the wild love stories about myself and GuyImetatparty have stopped circulating, it seems like a freaking queue had begun to formulate, as if I was a candidate on bachelorette. Let's call the first one Steven. Steven made it obvious he liked me from the word go, and my friend actually set us up on a blind date (with her and a few friends there too) to go and see The Purge at our local cinema. The problem, however, was that he's a year younger than me, and doesn't look old enough to see an R-rated movie. So originally they didn't let him in, but he managed to sneak in somehow. By which point I was sitting between two friends anyway, quite happily. He then tried to come onto me while playing hide and seek in the park, but I don't like him in that way. Over the last few months I haven't really wanted a boyfriend, so that's the problem with being forced onto some kind of bachelorette metaphor - what fun is it when she isn't even looking for a boyfriend? I've heard that Steven has been trying it on with other girls recently, so his apparent 'undying love' for me was obviously fake.

Then there's Peter, as I shall call him. Peter started talking to me about a month ago, but I could tell then that he was hinting that he wanted a relationship with me. I told him I didn't like anyone like that as I was still getting over guyImetatparty, and he didn't talk to me for a few weeks. We then started talking again a few weeks ago, and he told me how he too didn't want a relationship, and invited me round his house to play YuGiOh and have a few drinks. I knew something was wrong the moment he turned up wearing his best clothes and told me he only had spirits in the house - I don't drink spirits because I once drank too much Malibu and nearly had to go to hospital after passing out on my friend's bathroom floor. So we had some Jager and Tequila, and by this point both of us were very drunk. He then dared me to make out with him, which I did out of niceness more than anything (because he'd asked/dared me, who am I to say no? That gives off the impression that I wouldn't even kiss him). After that, he told me he had a crush on me and wanted me to go out with him. We then spent the rest of the time arguing about my not wanting a relationship before I eventually left a few hours later. Since then, he's lied to one of our mutual friends about what happened at his house, and hasn't spoken to me since, even though I've tried to start numerous conversations on Facebook, wanting us to go back to being friends as I didn't hold anything against him. Guess his pride is too big then.

They've been the main two, there have been others but they've all realised pretty quickly that I wasn't looking. I say wasn't because recently everything has changed.

Imagine this: a day after I went to Peter's house we had college again. I wandered into English Lit super anxious about what I was going to say to him - maybe we should go out, wouldn't that be simpler? Could I really do the whole relationship thing again? As the questions whirled around in my mind, and my hands began to shake, my anxiety strengthened slightly by the little yellow and green tablet I'd taken that morning, I was vaguely aware of a ginger-haired guy that I'd never seen before walking in a few minutes late, much to the annoyance of our teacher. Incidentally, it was also a year 10 taster day; I wonder if he'd walked into the wrong classroom. Studying him closely, I decided he was too old, and as he took out the books we were studying in class, I realised that he must have joined our english class sometime when I'd been away the last two weeks (one week I was ill with the flu; the second week I was away on a creative writing course in Cambridge). Soon enough, I returned to my ponderings, and the hour went annoyingly quickly. As everyone began to pack away, I realised I still had no idea what I was going to say to Peter. As I walked out the classroom, however, I saw that the ginger guy was waiting outside - let's call him Sky. I figured he was waiting for a friend, so I smiled vaguely at him and made to walk off, but he instead fell into step with me and was like, "You're Rach, right?" I confirmed this, and he started making conversation with me about English and stuff. He then moved on to my Avengers tshirt, and realising that he was a fellow nerd, I relaxed slightly.

I figured that down on the ground floor he'd bugger off to go hang out with his friends, but he didn't; we were both done for the day in terms of classes. I was waiting for two of my friends and Peter; we normally go to the local supermarket to get lunch and hang out. At this point, Peter turned up - so now, it was just me, him and this mysterious guy called Sky. Which was awkward as heck after what had happened the day before; Peter was staring at me as I continued my conversation with Sky. Our other two friends appeared, and I introduced Sky to them. We then all headed off to the supermarket, during which time Sky told me he had Tumblr. I then told him I too had Tumblr and was into Homestuck, in which we found out we both had the same obsession.

Ever since then we've been talking a lot and I think I might like him. We're going on a date tomorrow.

MCM Expo, London

Getting to meet Alex Day, Chris Kendall and Jack & Dean has to be one of the best experiences of my life. Like, these people I have been watching for years; these people inspired me to start my own YouTube channel, which really has been my saving grace over the past few years, these people are the first of a new generation where the internet rules the airwaves and gives birth to incredible new talent.

That's right, I went to Comic Con this May, just like I did last October. Originally I wasn't going to go; I woke up on the Friday exhausted and not feeling amazingly well, and as a result I feel my English Language exam may have somewhat suffered, but I braved the horrid weather and travelled up to London with my brother.

We were more there to just look around, buy some stuff and maybe go say hi to Alex Day, who I knew for a fact was definitely there. However, it turned out that Chris Kendall (Crabstickz) was also there, and we actually bumped into him as we wandered round. I did call out hello to him but he was busy with some other friends, so I felt like I didn't want to hover round him like some really annoying fangirl. By this point I was already bright red in the fact and freaking out, but it got even better when we walked past the stand where Jack and Dean were both selling merch. After wandering around for a little time more we finally found the Lifescouts desk, and that's when I saw Alex Day.

There are no words for how it felt to see somebody that I've been following since he reached his first 100,000 subscribers suddenly appear in front of me.

Anyway, we had a quick conversation when I picked a lifescouts badge at random (the event on the badge I would then have to go and do) and I picked guitar, which I already play - Alex telling me that I didn't have to pick another, but that I'd won 'the magic prize' (still waiting on said prize, Alex!) and then I got them all to wave for the camera and after that I ran away and decided not to bother any of them again.

But either way it was an amazing day and I was so glad to have gone. I feel inspired and ready to create more content - maybe the next time I'll see them it'll be as co-workers on YouTube rather than just fan and creator!

3/5

I've kept off this blog while I finished off with Year 12 and started my exams. So far they're going fine - more than fine, actually, I'm very proud with what I've done and pretty sure that I've got A in English Literature and at least a B in French. English Language on Friday, and there's Psychology after half term, but I dunno if I want to revise for that as I don't agree with the course content - learning about the more extreme treatments for depression isn't exactly something that appeals to me.

Not much to report really. I've been enjoying actually being able to sleep in and stay up and having control over what I've doing. A small amount of stress over YouTube, perhaps, but it's just the habit of getting my name up there that is doing it. I'm about to hit 1,000 subscribers so I'm super excited about that. Collaborations are coming in, I'm booked up to make documentaries and montages at Comic Con and I'm also going to be part of THE hottest new collaboration channel for us smaller YouTubers, which is called PleasantTalk.

There have been ups and downs - the ups being hanging out with my college friends in town and watching the sun go down. That was incredible therapy. There's another boy who likes me, and bless him, he is such a gentle soul. We're all gonna go camping soon which will be nice :)

I don't know how I feel about GuyImetatParty anymore. We had a 2 hour Skype conversation a few weeks ago which was nice I guess. Talking to him makes me feel calm and safe and secure and like I'm okay but then it makes me feel confused and I remember the pain and end up lost all over again. Not talking to him makes me feel like I'm hurting again and lonely and misunderstood by all those around me, yet my head becomes clearer and I begin to start looking at other guys in That Way again.

I guess guys deciding they have a crush on me confounds me slightly. I'm starting to adopt the he-likes-me-so-therefore-I-should-get-out-of-this-stupid-bubble thing again, which is how I ended up going out with my ex for 3 days. So I need to be careful and just let myself heal. But it would be so nice just to meet someone who would be worth it. Who would pale in comparison to GuyImetatParty. But until that day comes, this is how I am.

Not long to go now I guess in terms of college, but then I remember that it doesn't stop then. My friends won't all fade away like they did at my old school as soon as the summer holidays started, and that's a good thing. There'll be days out and road trips and holidays and parties and all the fun things, but I guess I won't have Rach time so much. Maybe that's a good thing. And I doubt I'll see GuyImetatparty much so maybe he'll just get lost away within the summer heat, burning up in the sunrise and cooling to a thin sheen of ice on the dark side of the moon. We can live in hope.

A Confession

Last night wasn't good.

I cut myself nine times in a row. And it made me feel, so, so much better.

I'm not sure whether I should be ashamed of this or not yet. But for week in week out I've been holding all this emotion inside of me and it's been killing me inside. All the loneliness; all the stress. Finally I had a chance to let it out, watch the negative energy pour out through those crimson cracks that mark the way in which my resolve has broken.  I felt my whole body relax. Running has only been a short term solution. Things like making videos, writing and drawing don't help in the way they need to. So I cut.

I don't know what hope there is for me in the future. I don't know what I want to do.

I don't think I can bear leaving college and starting all over again. I think it'll kill me. And at uni, I'll be away from home. Far away. I won't know anyone. And I need to give myself some time out. I don't even want to go to uni that much. All it is is an amalgamation of parties crossed with blurry-eyed essays composed through half-intoxicated clouds of thought. I don't even like my college friends - what's to say I'll like the ones I make at university? They'll all be conventional and boring and naiive just like college people are. Just like most of the people I've met in my life have been.

I'm not saying I'm just 'one of those kids who doesn't think anyone understands her' but I've had very few people to talk to in my life about all of this. For example, yesterday, the only person I could tell was GuyImetatparty, and he understood. he told me it was okay that I cut. said that he even did sometimes. told me i should do what i loved when i was older - but how can i? when i don't even know what it is that i love anymor.e

this is making me feel worese. i'm going. can't even type properly

From Romcom to Drama to Leonardo DiCaprio-esque

So I have news involving GuyImetatparty. So, as it stood since my last journal about him - he has a girlfriend, and I'd stripped my feelings away to as much as I could bear to lose. However, today, we were talking - and suddenly, it all just burst out of him in one giant fervent explosion. The reason why he'd stood me up so many times is mainly because of his mother - I can see why. I'm 17 years old, and he's 15. In the UK, at 16 you become legal. But let me assure you, this was the last thing on my mind. It angers me somewhat that we are all covered by this stereotype that all we want from each other is meaningless sex. And let's face it, I am a slightly socially awkward teenage girl who spends most of her evenings making YouTube videos and eating too much. But it's the way the world works, and I accept that. Anyway, so he and his girlfriend have been a 'thing' for a while - but his mother forbade him from telling anybody for some strange reason.

And then, of course, along came Rach.

At the start of our story, it was almost like some kind of strange Romcom. Two socially awkward people end up at some kind of wild party, he looking like her favourite singer, she dressed as his favourite superhero. Now, it just seems to have turned into one of those awful dramas that you might see Kiera Knightly starring in. GuyImetatparty confessed to me today that he's been crying over all of this, over being stuck between myself and his girlfriend. I know that to an outsider, it might be simple. If he's been going out with this girl and developed feelings for me, he should dump her, right? But it's not as simple as that. People tend to push their feelings aside far too much these days, cut themselves off from their emotions. No wonder we're so apathetic towards Bella Cullen! But feelings are feelings, and pain is pain. Both demand to be felt. (Good old John Green). Should I stand up for my rights? Should I demand an ultimatum? Probably. But I won't. He's one of my best friends. As I've said before, we just... connect. And you don't lay something like that on the line - ever. His mother might hate me for existing, and my mother might hate him for existing, but that makes us even stronger. There's nothing between our relationship because what should be coming between us comes from both sides.

I miss him. And I still believe in him. He's not a bad person. And over the past months, I've come to realise that I can put on this facade and pretend that I'm the hero, but that's not me. It would be disrespectful to all that I've been through just to be apathetic to my own sadness and see the good in everyone, in everything, in myself. And the bad, that slight disorganisation that I see in him when it comes to dealing with people, I can identify with.

Words.

I don't know if I make much sense right now; I've been editing for the past 8 hours and my brain is beginning to cry itself to sleep. I promised my friend I'd go see her at work but right now all I want to do is curl up and sleep and think and dream of a thousand possibilities all peppered with the occasional appearance of Kiera Knightly and maybe Ewan McGregor if that's the way this story goes, but I can't. I've got to do revision among other things. So I'll feed myself up on coffee and go down to meet my friend while reciting methodically the aspects of narrative deployed in Chapter 2 of Gatsby. Then, by that point, the memories of today will have become so glossed over that I'll lose these raw thoughts that create dreams and ideas and solutions, and our relationship will continue to stew.

Maybe one day we'll find a solution. But I don't know if it's a solution that either of us will want, because it will involve Leonardo DiCaprio leading us through some kind of urban dance while we dance temptingly away from the world we left behind. Nobody would ever forgive us. But at the same time, there'd be something glorious by it. I always loved to do the one thing people never expected of me - and this would be the last laugh. A final, Ha! amongst a long-line of previous 'Ha!'s that started when I left the state system, continued when I returned to the state system and continue to resound as a boycott Psychology. We'd face an ultimatum with Tom Hanks; perhaps Mark Ruffalo. And then I remember that it is real life, and just like in reality, in the way that Leonardo Dicaprio never gets his oscar, we will have to suffer for being so daring too. And anyway, I don't see either of us doing that. I strongly doubt he allows himself to like me in that way anymore, and I too withold my emotions. It's easier this way - I'd rather just focus on my work and my videos and have done with it.

I'll sober up my thoughts now. But as you can tell, it's been a long day, and I think I need some air.
Rach

I could be angry but

So, this week, a more serious problem has arisen. It's going to take a while for me to explain but:

Basically, I left my old school because I was badly bullied - and by the majority of the year too. Teachers even liked to say things about me behind my back, that's how serious it was. I came to the college I'm at because nobody else from my old school was there apart from one of the girls who stuck up for me.

As I think I've mentioned before, I make YouTube videos - twice a week, vlogs, skits, advice videos, whatever it is I want. It's my pride and joy; what I want to do when I'm older; and a platform I have gained so much confidence, and a considerable amount of success on, standing at nearly 700 subscribers in about 8 or 9 months. Everything was great until at the start of March, one of the girls near the centre of the bullying subscribed to me. I get an email every time I get a subscription - saw her name on it. Let's call her Glenda.

Glenda actually sent me a message and was nice to me. I was nice back, although I know for a fact that just because they're nice doesn't mean that they've changed at all or forgive whatever it is I did that started the bullying in the first place. We spoke for about a week, and then her best friend - let's call her Mary - also subscribed to me. Mary is, out of 3 girls, the epicentre of the bullying. I know her best for the one who told what little friends I managed to find at that school not to be friends with me because 'I didn't deserve friends' and that I was pure evil. Glenda didn't reply to my message after that. In fact, she unsubscribed and then re-subscribed about a week later (I don't know why).

Nothing else happened for a while. I was, however, slightly worried and became a little self-conscious while making my videos - however, the happiness and enthusiasm of my fanbase helped me forget what had happened and concentrate on them - the good, not the bad. Then, however, on Monday this week, everything changed.

Another boy from my old school, who is relatively good friends with Glenda and Mary subscribed to me. I've never had much to do with him, but he used to make it plain that he didn't like me, calling me 'ugly' and other unsavoury things. He left a comment on one of my videos, basically saying that he was 'repping' or representing my old school, and 'I want to be inside you'.

I panicked. It had started again.

However, the second my mother and then the college found out (the latter only because I apparently walked out of French on Tuesday looking like I'd seen a ghost) they were dead set on 1) contacting the school and 2) contacting the police if need be. It freaks me out a little, how serious this is. But the fact is, is that I left the school 11 months ago, and they're still obsessed. Thing is, more than 3 of them could be subscribed to me - a lot of anonymous users subscribe to me as well. I don't let myself be especially paranoid by it, but it does scare me to think of them all sitting there watching my videos and probably laughing. But, according to my Mum, the second one of them posts another comment is the second we contact the school and go to the police.

I don't want it to come to that. But I've moved on, and it's sick that they won't do the same. Am I gonna have them breathing down my neck for the rest of  my life, cyber-stalking and harassing me in any way they can? I deleted them all off Facebook - and how they found my channel remains a total mystery.

Apart from that, I'm okay. Thinking of the people in Boston and doing my best to study hard.
Rach

Lost the battle, win the war

Today I am going to be positive.

Even the word sounds like a mountain that needs climbing. Pos-i-tive, three whole syllables, two eyes, like the human head. The first syllable speaks of possibilities, however, and so I shall be positive. So here goes.

Revision has been going reasonably well. Over the past 2 weeks I have achieved a pretty considerable amount, so I'm starting to feel like there may be some hope for me yet. However, a few hours ago, I discovered, to my horror, a mountain of homework waiting for me, a bit like a monster under the bed. Here's what I have to do:

2 essays for English Literature:
- How does Auden tell the story in 'Musee des Beaux Arts' and
- We never step twice into the same Auden. How far do you agree?
Also for English, I have to start making notes on some potential Gatsby essays. I have no idea how to do this - we're only halfway through studying the book. However, the first Auden essay should be reasonably easy as I made sufficient, perhaps overly-pedantic notes in class before we broke up for Easter, and I have somewhat of a plan for the second one.

French:
- Listening and reading sections of a past paper
I did the reading section today. It was awful and I'm pretty sure I haven't done very well, but I did it, and that's all that matters right now. As for the listening, there was some kind of problem with it so we've been given another section to do. I'll tussle with that tomorrow I think, after work.

I also have a French essay to do, which will be a pain, but I can do it. The essays aren't so hard.

I'm also meant to write some silly 'response to a letter' for Psychology, but to put it bluntly, I can't be asked. I have no care for Psychology whatsoever, and I'm busy enough with the subjects I a) care about and b) am doing next year, so because of this, I'm going to miss my 2 hours of Psychology on Monday morning to focus on all these essays so that I can get them out of the way in order for me to be able to come straight home on Monday and revise, provided I don't get given anymore homework.

I'm sorry. My attitude probably sounds awful. I've left all this homework till the last minute and now I'm telling you all about how I can't be bothered to turn up for one of my subjects. But to be fair, I sort of floated along through the holidays, totally focused on exams and forgetting that we hadn't actually finished the courses yet. I also had this vague sense of an idea that I only had one essay to do for English Literature, and that was it. So silly me.

I have a new running route, and I love it. It's wonderful to explore new territories of the area that I live in while blasting Paramore's new album through my ears. My favourite songs so far have to be Part 2, Grow Up, Daydreaming and Now, although I also love the many Interludes too.

In terms of revision, I've been working pretty hard, and I'm proud of myself. I've finished Tennyson's poems and I'm about halfway though Kite Runner AONs. Auden I can remember pretty well, so I'll only need to briefly go over that, with particular attention to the debate questions. Gatsby is what I'll also need to focus on, although it should be more accessible than Auden. English Language, I've done the written and spoken units and did a past paper which went really well. French, I've learned 2 and a half units' worth of vocabulary so far, and I've been through the most important tenses that I'll need. Psychology, we don't talk about. So I'm happy.

There's a positive entry. I've noticed that page views have somewhat skyrocketed unless I've been remembering them wrong - if so, thank you to everyone who is reading! I'd love to hear from you guys, as sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself, and I'm actually pretty chatty, but even if I don't hear anything thank you anyway!