Where do I even start with this...

Yesterday was.... I don't think I can describe it in one word, so I'm just gonna write it down in the 5 minutes I have left.

So basically, I was meant to meet up with GuyImetatparty as well as some others in a nearby seaside town yesterday. However, GuyImetatparty cancelled for the 8th time in a row because he promised to see some other girl who was meant to be going to this town with us, too. Which pissed me right off. Psychology was cancelled and I broke down in English Language, so I had to go see the Welfare officer and talk to her for a while. I told her about my step-dad. She told me I should go live with my Dad, which is ridiculous because he lives 300 miles away. I can't just bugger off in the middle of A levels. She also told me that I should go to the doctor and get meds. But I don't want anti-depressants because I know in some cases they make it worse in young people. I have to go see her again today.

I was messaging my friend the whole day and she agreed to get on the same bus when it passed through her town (I no longer had no interest in going with the others to the sea). She didn't say anything when she got on; she just hugged me. And then she said sorry. We tried to rationalise GuyImetatparty's logic, wondering if there was a slightly more evil motive to his actions. We ended up sitting at the park talking for about an hour before she had to go home again. This girl's house is literally just down the road from mine, and just down the road from the park. I ended up sitting there for the next 2 hours, not wanting to go home to my step-dad and his stupid words. I wondered if perhaps GuyImetatparty had driven right past me and not even texted me to say he had.

I got home; thankfully my step-dad wasn't there. I ended up somehow on the floor; I don't know whether I passed out or fell asleep or what. So I lay there crying for a bit and then got in the shower. I couldn't get over the fact that he was just 20 houses down the road and I haven't seen him in months. I texted my other friend and we agreed to turn up at their house. It was snowing by the time we got there.

His face completely lit up when he saw me. We played Halo; he told me I was really  good (I'm not). The other girl went completely silent. He continuously apologised. Had to leave after half an hour. Gave me a massively long hug, and I literally clung to him. He said he'd come to my college to see us all soon. I hope he does. I don't think I can go another 2 months without seeing him. Then he had to go. On the way back he texted me about the fact that this girl was apparently in a bad way which is why he'd had to go see her. I forgave him.

Everyone tells me to let him go. That he treats me like shit. But I can't. I called my brother from the kitchen floor and cried down the phone about how I couldn't - I will always like him. Even after today, everyone told me the same advice. But I won't. It's taken me months to get him to trust me enough to let him in; I won't just ditch him like that. Even if it causes me pain, the hug I got from him yesterday made everything worth it.

Anyway, happy V-Day/forever alone day guys. I have to go see the welfare officer again today; I'll let you know how it goes.
Rach

Some life advice

I want to share some life advice with you all today. Over the past few days, I feel like I've suddenly grown up a lot again. Being the strong one has kind of made all my stress responses kick into gear and as I result I've become so much more efficient.

If there is a guy you like, who potentially likes you back, while the reflex may be to go out, I urge you not to. Because relationships, on the whole, can be so awful. There is a lot of pressure and stress involved. It's not like the movies where everything is sunshine and happiness and roses. You might end up spending all day that you're not talking to them enough, why they're not talking to you more, whether you should go out on a date, whether they're cheating on you, this, that, the other. It makes you afraid to be yourself. In fact, sometimes it can really affect you. These are all things I had with my ex. And then when it ends, because most do, it's extremely difficult to remain friends. When all along you could have just kept your friendship with that guy or girl and been happier. Less pressure to do, say the right thing; be the right person. You  have more freedom, too. Not to go make out with other people or talk to other girls/boys - although it's better for your friendships with the opposite gender - but just within yourself.

I still believe that there's a day when I'll find someone who will make me feel free when I'm with them, like properly with them. Maybe it is indeed GuyImetatparty. But right now, I'm not going to lose sleep on it. What matters to me is our friendship. Of course I miss him so much. It's an aching inside of me that doesn't go away; a thrum that will always pull me to him. But I respect the fact that, like me, he is unstable and cannot settle on anything. We are both the same. Maybe one day we will go out and it will be amazing. But I care more about our friendship than I do about some relationship, which might potentially go wrong.

There's some advice for y'all (:
Rach