There'll also be some other advice in my blog, such as dealing with anxiety, issues that I feel are important or may be important to you, et cetera.

I'm going to blog every day all being well!

Wednesday 13 February 2013

Where do I even start with this...

Yesterday was.... I don't think I can describe it in one word, so I'm just gonna write it down in the 5 minutes I have left.

So basically, I was meant to meet up with GuyImetatparty as well as some others in a nearby seaside town yesterday. However, GuyImetatparty cancelled for the 8th time in a row because he promised to see some other girl who was meant to be going to this town with us, too. Which pissed me right off. Psychology was cancelled and I broke down in English Language, so I had to go see the Welfare officer and talk to her for a while. I told her about my step-dad. She told me I should go live with my Dad, which is ridiculous because he lives 300 miles away. I can't just bugger off in the middle of A levels. She also told me that I should go to the doctor and get meds. But I don't want anti-depressants because I know in some cases they make it worse in young people. I have to go see her again today.

I was messaging my friend the whole day and she agreed to get on the same bus when it passed through her town (I no longer had no interest in going with the others to the sea). She didn't say anything when she got on; she just hugged me. And then she said sorry. We tried to rationalise GuyImetatparty's logic, wondering if there was a slightly more evil motive to his actions. We ended up sitting at the park talking for about an hour before she had to go home again. This girl's house is literally just down the road from mine, and just down the road from the park. I ended up sitting there for the next 2 hours, not wanting to go home to my step-dad and his stupid words. I wondered if perhaps GuyImetatparty had driven right past me and not even texted me to say he had.

I got home; thankfully my step-dad wasn't there. I ended up somehow on the floor; I don't know whether I passed out or fell asleep or what. So I lay there crying for a bit and then got in the shower. I couldn't get over the fact that he was just 20 houses down the road and I haven't seen him in months. I texted my other friend and we agreed to turn up at their house. It was snowing by the time we got there.

His face completely lit up when he saw me. We played Halo; he told me I was really  good (I'm not). The other girl went completely silent. He continuously apologised. Had to leave after half an hour. Gave me a massively long hug, and I literally clung to him. He said he'd come to my college to see us all soon. I hope he does. I don't think I can go another 2 months without seeing him. Then he had to go. On the way back he texted me about the fact that this girl was apparently in a bad way which is why he'd had to go see her. I forgave him.

Everyone tells me to let him go. That he treats me like shit. But I can't. I called my brother from the kitchen floor and cried down the phone about how I couldn't - I will always like him. Even after today, everyone told me the same advice. But I won't. It's taken me months to get him to trust me enough to let him in; I won't just ditch him like that. Even if it causes me pain, the hug I got from him yesterday made everything worth it.

Anyway, happy V-Day/forever alone day guys. I have to go see the welfare officer again today; I'll let you know how it goes.
Rach

Monday 11 February 2013

A Rather Interesting Weekend

As the title suggests, I had a 'rather interesting' weekend. That's not a euphemism for absolutely terrible - there were some good parts in between, but I spent about 40% of the time in tears.

I suppose I should start with Saturday - the good day, up until the evening. I painted the usual smile on my face as I entered my work place. However, it was soon wiped clean off when I found out that we had to make approximately £1000 by the end of the day. Normally I'd estimate that we earn about £500-700, depending on how busy it is. So it was definitely going to be a challenge - and I didn't want to find out what would happen if we failed.

I learned some things about myself that day. I'm actually a pretty good salesperson. I can talk convincingly if and when I have to. That's not another euphemism for lying or being overly-persuasive - you can't exactly lie when it comes to selling meds; that goes against every moral I have, and I'm pretty sure most people have. Things just... seemed to go right though. That guy who came in to buy the Voltarol, of course, wanted the biggest pack size. The lady who came to buy nail polish remover, of course, would love to have some cotton wall with that thank you. It kind of amazed me. I actually started to enjoy myself by the end of the day. I never thought I'd say that; at 16 work is work, it's meant to give you aspirations to get a better-paid job where you sit at a desk sending emails all day trying to figure out what it is you do, rather than settle for shop work. It's also meant to teach you how to motivate yourself through your most probably middle-class, depressing life. You're not supposed to enjoy it. But somehow, the challenge of having to raise £1000 by the end of the day actually was. Apprentice here I come...

The 'interesting' side to the weekend began late Saturday night. Weary and having changed into the usual afterwork attire of leggings and hoodies I lay, half asleep on my bed, watching an episode of Supernaural. Suddenly out of nowhere, I heard a strange furious murmur begin outside my door. I recognised that mumur - the sharpness of the syllables just said it all. Giving Dean and Sam Winchester a wistful look, I headed over to my door, stumbling right into my step-dad and a full-scale bitch about me. Turned out I'd apparently shut my cat Lilli in the bathroom. By accident. But apparently this was a mistake that shouldn't have happened. Apparently I need to "wake the 'fuck' up if I'm going to get anywhere in life" and I need to "start giving a shit." Keep in mind that this is an argument succeeding about a million others. And a million other things that I really hate, such as him glaring at me like I'm shit on the carpet whenever I get home from college. I ended up screaming at him to 'shut up, shut up' but he wouldn't stop, but I couldn't stop screaming, so I ended up slamming the door in his face and snapping the light off. And then collapsing to the floor crying my eyes out. And nobody came to check on me all night - not my mum, no one. Which sounds self-centered, but I wasn't exactly crying quietly. I started talking to a friend from my old school about what it was like to have a father figure, because my step-dad and I have never exactly had the most wonderful relationship. I ended up crying more and falling asleep on the floor in the fetal position. I wake up at 3am plagued by nightmares so strong I'm paralysed. But just when I thought I was going to go mad, all my friends' faces began to swim in front of my vision. Not physically of course - in the dream playing in my head. As mercilessly as my stepdad's bitching. But my friends helped me. They fought away the dreams. And so I won against the torture of my own mind.

Next day I woke feeling a little more okay. I cried again recounting to one of my best friends what happened, and then I lay in bed a bit moping. After that I put on my brave face and went downstairs and tried to pretend everything was totally normal. I ate lunch. Went back upstairs. Got changed and then went straight out for a run. I ran a whole three miles, trying to push away all the awful memories, focusing on my breathing, the music I was listening to. I felt better when I got back, and dropped off dreamlessly that night.

So yeah, that was my rather interesting weekend. Exercise definitely helps me regain control over my mind - I'm going to have to do it more often, I think ^^ I'm out every night this week too, so hopefully that'll help me avoid my step-dad.
Rach

Saturday 9 February 2013

Some life advice

I want to share some life advice with you all today. Over the past few days, I feel like I've suddenly grown up a lot again. Being the strong one has kind of made all my stress responses kick into gear and as I result I've become so much more efficient.

If there is a guy you like, who potentially likes you back, while the reflex may be to go out, I urge you not to. Because relationships, on the whole, can be so awful. There is a lot of pressure and stress involved. It's not like the movies where everything is sunshine and happiness and roses. You might end up spending all day that you're not talking to them enough, why they're not talking to you more, whether you should go out on a date, whether they're cheating on you, this, that, the other. It makes you afraid to be yourself. In fact, sometimes it can really affect you. These are all things I had with my ex. And then when it ends, because most do, it's extremely difficult to remain friends. When all along you could have just kept your friendship with that guy or girl and been happier. Less pressure to do, say the right thing; be the right person. You  have more freedom, too. Not to go make out with other people or talk to other girls/boys - although it's better for your friendships with the opposite gender - but just within yourself.

I still believe that there's a day when I'll find someone who will make me feel free when I'm with them, like properly with them. Maybe it is indeed GuyImetatparty. But right now, I'm not going to lose sleep on it. What matters to me is our friendship. Of course I miss him so much. It's an aching inside of me that doesn't go away; a thrum that will always pull me to him. But I respect the fact that, like me, he is unstable and cannot settle on anything. We are both the same. Maybe one day we will go out and it will be amazing. But I care more about our friendship than I do about some relationship, which might potentially go wrong.

There's some advice for y'all (:
Rach

Wednesday 6 February 2013

A proud moment

I stopped somebody from cutting yesterday. They were feeling low and threatening to self harm so I got them to externalise all that negative energy rather than turn it on themselves. It actually seemed to work, but as my other friend has said, I have to make sure that I inforce that rule. It felt good to help them though. I went through this massive block of not really being able to help people with problems because I was scared of making things worse for them, but then I realised that there's no way I can do that. I've been through self harm myself and out the other side - and my experience gives me the antidote necessary to help others. I've been thinking about cutting again myself, but I've managed to stop myself. I've seen what stuff like that, what that kind of truth does to GuyImetatparty, who is always helping people like that, and I've gained a greater understanding of how that effects me. Plus, cutting would be a step backwards. I don't want to go back to where I was three and a half years ago. So that stops me. And now I use that to help other people. It really seems to work.

Short entry today as I literally have one minute to finish this before I go get ready for college. Wilson goes into surgery today. Wish him luck bros.
Peace
Rach

Tuesday 5 February 2013

In Which I Freak Out in a Public Place

Hello again everybody!
I had a pretty good day yesterday, although it's true that I'm absolutely exhausted now as a result. My day started off as freaking awesome - I got a message from GuyImetatparty with a video which I went to go watch in the computer room as soon as I was free. It's called Paper Man and it's a Disney animation, it was literally so cute that I just sat there grinning like an idiot for ages. I messaged him back thanking him for the link and he replied with 'No problem, I literally spent all night looking for videos that would cheer you up'. I actually made some kind of noise expressing cuteness out loud. Rather loudly.. Like, I've never done anything so retarded and lame and girly in my life. I regretted it the moment annoyed student heads turned in my direction, simply burying my head in my arms and trembling half with laughter half with oh-my-goodness-you're-so-cute-dude.

Had English Lit after that (French is irrelevant, it was so dull). During which my teacher got extraordinarily excited about Auden, who seems to be her favourite poet. It was nice though, to see such love towards literature. Kind of inspiring, you know? There are too many teachers out there that just bleat what they know at you, set you homework and push you through your exams and then that's it. You forget everything you ever learned in that class and continue on with your life. My English teacher clearly loves literature so much I can't help but sit there and smile at her. It's like seeing a couple gaze into each other's eyes and smile, if you like. You can almost see the love as a physical thing, and it gives you hope. I've heard Auden is pretty boring too, but I'm hoping my teacher will make it fun.

After that, three of us decided to go to a nearby seaside town and just hang out for the afternoon as we finished all our lessons. Which was okay I guess, apart from the fact that one of them is my ex. Which was... interesting, to say the least. It started off as super awkward and I did genuinely attempt to form some kind of excuse as to why I suddenly couldn't go in my mind, but we were at the station before I knew it and I had no choice. It got better though - we went to go and see the Life of Pi, took pictures on the beach, and wandered around before we went to Nandos and then back home again.

The Life of Pi is, quite literally, a visionary orgasm. The first half an hour is insanely boring - and I would admit that the film doesn't really have much of a plot or much substance until you get to the end, and then boom! The twist happens. And suddenly the last 2 hours are totally worth it. But like I said, it was a visionary orgasm - we saw it in 3D which definitely helped, plus the colours and lights were absolutely amazing <3

So I have to get up now and start getting ready for college. I only have 2 lessons which is a relief as I'm starting to feel pretty tired xD think I'll sleep once I get home :)
Rach

Monday 4 February 2013

In which I dye my hair

I dip dyed my hair blonde on Sunday in an attempt to fight the usual boredom. And it looks awesome. I didn't really spend that long carefully selecting the bleach - the woman on the box had blonde hair so I'm assuming it did relatively the right thing, and I could afford it without having to plod off to the cash machine and go get some more money out, so I bought it. Naturally I filmed the whole thing and later edited it for YouTube. I did, however, make the small mistake of dying a streak of my hair blonde, too. I aimed for just a small little part of my hair, but instead the strand expanded to form a yellowish layer over the rest of the front of my hair - so now, from the front, because you can't see the rest of my hair, which is brown, it looks like I've badly dyed all of it blonde. Which sucks. I don't actually know if I'm allowed it at work or not yet, but if not, well, it's not up to them what I do with my hair. And if they're going to send me home for it, then I'm leaving. There's so much crazy stuff I want to do with my hair that cannot concern them. It's my body after all.

My friend Mikaela and I completely lost the desire to go home yesterday. Literally as I got off the bus, these awful waves of dread began to wash over me - I'm sick of coming home to a house containing only my bullying step-father, being pissed off by the time I go upstairs and then sitting in a cold room writing essays. It's awful. So we bought some food from a nearby shop and sat in the park until it got too dark and cold to continue on with our lack of desire to go home. My excuse to my step-dad was that I missed the bus. He sent back 'Ok.' Note the full stop at the end there. Mikaela's Mum? Okay honey xxxxxxx. I don't think I need to say anymore.

When I finally got home, however, there was bad news waiting for me. My dog, Wilson, has a tumour on his leg. We're not sure if it's cancerous yet; he's having surgery on Thursday so I guess we'll find out soon enough. It's funny; I used to sigh and roll my eyes when I saw him. I always used to find him an annoying little shit, always so full of energy and hope and happiness when to be honest, I haven't really had any of those things. I suppose I was a little bit jealous of his precious little world. But seeing him lying there, exhausted, and then later on, seeing him roll around on the floor, completely oblivious to the world outside and what was wrong with him, brought tears burning into the backs of my eyes. I sat there clinging on to him for a while. He's not even a year old yet.

There's so much pain and loss and change in my life right now. So many things to worry about, to watch pass by, to mourn for. My Mum sits there crying and is hardly there mentally right now because she's on teacher placement and it is quite literally killing her; she can't cope with the strain and I don't blame her. My step-dad is, to be honest, no use to anyone. All he does is shout and bully and get overly defensive. My brother's away in uni. So I'm the one who has to be strong right now. I'm holding up okay. Despite the insomnia. But it means I get to talk to GuyImetatparty and he helps a lot. But I promised myself I would be strong. So here I go.
Rach

Sunday 3 February 2013

In Which I Write Essays Compulsively

Hello again everybody!
It's been another few weeks since I've last written - I've literally been so busy with A levels I don't even know where to begin! However, I am making great progress with guyImetatparty! He's been having a lot of difficulties with trust but last Friday he had a dream about me - and I'm the first person he's let into his dreams for months. He also called me special 'n stuff, which was amazing and really touched me :') I proceeded to fall over backwards and stare at my ceiling, making a very strange noise. I'm glad I'm persevering with him. I genuinely want to help him, and it feels like maybe, just maybe, I might be doing that, plus I like him a lot. We haven't met up in almost 9 weeks, granted, but I'm sure we'll find the time again soon.

My insomnia is still here, but I don't really see a problem with it to be honest. I don't feel like I need the sleep during the week, and I have Tues + Wed afternoons off so I can sleep then if I want to - plus I often sleep for like 12 hours at the weekend so I'm not complaining :P And I get to have really good conversations with guyImetatparty at the same time :) Sometimes I worry if I'm being annoying. I'm really, really good at convincing myself that nobody likes me xD but I'm hoping he'll say something if I get too annoying.

I've been relapsing with depression a little bit too. Nothing major - just stress about A levels. I've been writing essays and doing coursework in every single one of my subjects! And one of my friends, who I walk to college with every day, may have to retake her first year already and it's only February, which is somewhat terrifying. The teachers are telling us to start revising now, when I don't really see the point to be honest. We have a whole five months until our exams, and if I start now I know I'll be bored rigid by the time I get to May and June. I'll probably start to do something after half term though :) not serious revision, but juts recapping and finding a place for it in my head.My memory problems are worsening which doesn't help, but I blame the depression/lack of sleep/stress about college more than anything. But yesterday, I felt like I was waking up a little for the first time in terms of depression. I've been kind of closing myself off from everyone in the last few weeks, but yesterday I felt a little more open than I have before. So I have hope :)

We have 2 weeks 'till half term. Already started to make plans for our jaunts which is nice. It seems like I'll be spending most of it in a seaside town nearby, which I can't complain about because I love it there.

Anyway, I'm going to go and start looking at universities as my friends are already applying and booking open days!! Aaah!