Last night wasn't good.
I cut myself nine times in a row. And it made me feel, so, so much better.
I'm not sure whether I should be ashamed of this or not yet. But for week in week out I've been holding all this emotion inside of me and it's been killing me inside. All the loneliness; all the stress. Finally I had a chance to let it out, watch the negative energy pour out through those crimson cracks that mark the way in which my resolve has broken. I felt my whole body relax. Running has only been a short term solution. Things like making videos, writing and drawing don't help in the way they need to. So I cut.
I don't know what hope there is for me in the future. I don't know what I want to do.
I don't think I can bear leaving college and starting all over again. I think it'll kill me. And at uni, I'll be away from home. Far away. I won't know anyone. And I need to give myself some time out. I don't even want to go to uni that much. All it is is an amalgamation of parties crossed with blurry-eyed essays composed through half-intoxicated clouds of thought. I don't even like my college friends - what's to say I'll like the ones I make at university? They'll all be conventional and boring and naiive just like college people are. Just like most of the people I've met in my life have been.
I'm not saying I'm just 'one of those kids who doesn't think anyone understands her' but I've had very few people to talk to in my life about all of this. For example, yesterday, the only person I could tell was GuyImetatparty, and he understood. he told me it was okay that I cut. said that he even did sometimes. told me i should do what i loved when i was older - but how can i? when i don't even know what it is that i love anymor.e
this is making me feel worese. i'm going. can't even type properly
Saturday 27 April 2013
Sunday 21 April 2013
From Romcom to Drama to Leonardo DiCaprio-esque
So I have news involving GuyImetatparty. So, as it stood since my last journal about him - he has a girlfriend, and I'd stripped my feelings away to as much as I could bear to lose. However, today, we were talking - and suddenly, it all just burst out of him in one giant fervent explosion. The reason why he'd stood me up so many times is mainly because of his mother - I can see why. I'm 17 years old, and he's 15. In the UK, at 16 you become legal. But let me assure you, this was the last thing on my mind. It angers me somewhat that we are all covered by this stereotype that all we want from each other is meaningless sex. And let's face it, I am a slightly socially awkward teenage girl who spends most of her evenings making YouTube videos and eating too much. But it's the way the world works, and I accept that. Anyway, so he and his girlfriend have been a 'thing' for a while - but his mother forbade him from telling anybody for some strange reason.
And then, of course, along came Rach.
At the start of our story, it was almost like some kind of strange Romcom. Two socially awkward people end up at some kind of wild party, he looking like her favourite singer, she dressed as his favourite superhero. Now, it just seems to have turned into one of those awful dramas that you might see Kiera Knightly starring in. GuyImetatparty confessed to me today that he's been crying over all of this, over being stuck between myself and his girlfriend. I know that to an outsider, it might be simple. If he's been going out with this girl and developed feelings for me, he should dump her, right? But it's not as simple as that. People tend to push their feelings aside far too much these days, cut themselves off from their emotions. No wonder we're so apathetic towards Bella Cullen! But feelings are feelings, and pain is pain. Both demand to be felt. (Good old John Green). Should I stand up for my rights? Should I demand an ultimatum? Probably. But I won't. He's one of my best friends. As I've said before, we just... connect. And you don't lay something like that on the line - ever. His mother might hate me for existing, and my mother might hate him for existing, but that makes us even stronger. There's nothing between our relationship because what should be coming between us comes from both sides.
I miss him. And I still believe in him. He's not a bad person. And over the past months, I've come to realise that I can put on this facade and pretend that I'm the hero, but that's not me. It would be disrespectful to all that I've been through just to be apathetic to my own sadness and see the good in everyone, in everything, in myself. And the bad, that slight disorganisation that I see in him when it comes to dealing with people, I can identify with.
Words.
I don't know if I make much sense right now; I've been editing for the past 8 hours and my brain is beginning to cry itself to sleep. I promised my friend I'd go see her at work but right now all I want to do is curl up and sleep and think and dream of a thousand possibilities all peppered with the occasional appearance of Kiera Knightly and maybe Ewan McGregor if that's the way this story goes, but I can't. I've got to do revision among other things. So I'll feed myself up on coffee and go down to meet my friend while reciting methodically the aspects of narrative deployed in Chapter 2 of Gatsby. Then, by that point, the memories of today will have become so glossed over that I'll lose these raw thoughts that create dreams and ideas and solutions, and our relationship will continue to stew.
Maybe one day we'll find a solution. But I don't know if it's a solution that either of us will want, because it will involve Leonardo DiCaprio leading us through some kind of urban dance while we dance temptingly away from the world we left behind. Nobody would ever forgive us. But at the same time, there'd be something glorious by it. I always loved to do the one thing people never expected of me - and this would be the last laugh. A final, Ha! amongst a long-line of previous 'Ha!'s that started when I left the state system, continued when I returned to the state system and continue to resound as a boycott Psychology. We'd face an ultimatum with Tom Hanks; perhaps Mark Ruffalo. And then I remember that it is real life, and just like in reality, in the way that Leonardo Dicaprio never gets his oscar, we will have to suffer for being so daring too. And anyway, I don't see either of us doing that. I strongly doubt he allows himself to like me in that way anymore, and I too withold my emotions. It's easier this way - I'd rather just focus on my work and my videos and have done with it.
I'll sober up my thoughts now. But as you can tell, it's been a long day, and I think I need some air.
Rach
And then, of course, along came Rach.
At the start of our story, it was almost like some kind of strange Romcom. Two socially awkward people end up at some kind of wild party, he looking like her favourite singer, she dressed as his favourite superhero. Now, it just seems to have turned into one of those awful dramas that you might see Kiera Knightly starring in. GuyImetatparty confessed to me today that he's been crying over all of this, over being stuck between myself and his girlfriend. I know that to an outsider, it might be simple. If he's been going out with this girl and developed feelings for me, he should dump her, right? But it's not as simple as that. People tend to push their feelings aside far too much these days, cut themselves off from their emotions. No wonder we're so apathetic towards Bella Cullen! But feelings are feelings, and pain is pain. Both demand to be felt. (Good old John Green). Should I stand up for my rights? Should I demand an ultimatum? Probably. But I won't. He's one of my best friends. As I've said before, we just... connect. And you don't lay something like that on the line - ever. His mother might hate me for existing, and my mother might hate him for existing, but that makes us even stronger. There's nothing between our relationship because what should be coming between us comes from both sides.
I miss him. And I still believe in him. He's not a bad person. And over the past months, I've come to realise that I can put on this facade and pretend that I'm the hero, but that's not me. It would be disrespectful to all that I've been through just to be apathetic to my own sadness and see the good in everyone, in everything, in myself. And the bad, that slight disorganisation that I see in him when it comes to dealing with people, I can identify with.
Words.
I don't know if I make much sense right now; I've been editing for the past 8 hours and my brain is beginning to cry itself to sleep. I promised my friend I'd go see her at work but right now all I want to do is curl up and sleep and think and dream of a thousand possibilities all peppered with the occasional appearance of Kiera Knightly and maybe Ewan McGregor if that's the way this story goes, but I can't. I've got to do revision among other things. So I'll feed myself up on coffee and go down to meet my friend while reciting methodically the aspects of narrative deployed in Chapter 2 of Gatsby. Then, by that point, the memories of today will have become so glossed over that I'll lose these raw thoughts that create dreams and ideas and solutions, and our relationship will continue to stew.
Maybe one day we'll find a solution. But I don't know if it's a solution that either of us will want, because it will involve Leonardo DiCaprio leading us through some kind of urban dance while we dance temptingly away from the world we left behind. Nobody would ever forgive us. But at the same time, there'd be something glorious by it. I always loved to do the one thing people never expected of me - and this would be the last laugh. A final, Ha! amongst a long-line of previous 'Ha!'s that started when I left the state system, continued when I returned to the state system and continue to resound as a boycott Psychology. We'd face an ultimatum with Tom Hanks; perhaps Mark Ruffalo. And then I remember that it is real life, and just like in reality, in the way that Leonardo Dicaprio never gets his oscar, we will have to suffer for being so daring too. And anyway, I don't see either of us doing that. I strongly doubt he allows himself to like me in that way anymore, and I too withold my emotions. It's easier this way - I'd rather just focus on my work and my videos and have done with it.
I'll sober up my thoughts now. But as you can tell, it's been a long day, and I think I need some air.
Rach
Wednesday 17 April 2013
I could be angry but
So, this week, a more serious problem has arisen. It's going to take a while for me to explain but:
Basically, I left my old school because I was badly bullied - and by the majority of the year too. Teachers even liked to say things about me behind my back, that's how serious it was. I came to the college I'm at because nobody else from my old school was there apart from one of the girls who stuck up for me.
As I think I've mentioned before, I make YouTube videos - twice a week, vlogs, skits, advice videos, whatever it is I want. It's my pride and joy; what I want to do when I'm older; and a platform I have gained so much confidence, and a considerable amount of success on, standing at nearly 700 subscribers in about 8 or 9 months. Everything was great until at the start of March, one of the girls near the centre of the bullying subscribed to me. I get an email every time I get a subscription - saw her name on it. Let's call her Glenda.
Glenda actually sent me a message and was nice to me. I was nice back, although I know for a fact that just because they're nice doesn't mean that they've changed at all or forgive whatever it is I did that started the bullying in the first place. We spoke for about a week, and then her best friend - let's call her Mary - also subscribed to me. Mary is, out of 3 girls, the epicentre of the bullying. I know her best for the one who told what little friends I managed to find at that school not to be friends with me because 'I didn't deserve friends' and that I was pure evil. Glenda didn't reply to my message after that. In fact, she unsubscribed and then re-subscribed about a week later (I don't know why).
Nothing else happened for a while. I was, however, slightly worried and became a little self-conscious while making my videos - however, the happiness and enthusiasm of my fanbase helped me forget what had happened and concentrate on them - the good, not the bad. Then, however, on Monday this week, everything changed.
Another boy from my old school, who is relatively good friends with Glenda and Mary subscribed to me. I've never had much to do with him, but he used to make it plain that he didn't like me, calling me 'ugly' and other unsavoury things. He left a comment on one of my videos, basically saying that he was 'repping' or representing my old school, and 'I want to be inside you'.
I panicked. It had started again.
However, the second my mother and then the college found out (the latter only because I apparently walked out of French on Tuesday looking like I'd seen a ghost) they were dead set on 1) contacting the school and 2) contacting the police if need be. It freaks me out a little, how serious this is. But the fact is, is that I left the school 11 months ago, and they're still obsessed. Thing is, more than 3 of them could be subscribed to me - a lot of anonymous users subscribe to me as well. I don't let myself be especially paranoid by it, but it does scare me to think of them all sitting there watching my videos and probably laughing. But, according to my Mum, the second one of them posts another comment is the second we contact the school and go to the police.
I don't want it to come to that. But I've moved on, and it's sick that they won't do the same. Am I gonna have them breathing down my neck for the rest of my life, cyber-stalking and harassing me in any way they can? I deleted them all off Facebook - and how they found my channel remains a total mystery.
Apart from that, I'm okay. Thinking of the people in Boston and doing my best to study hard.
Rach
Basically, I left my old school because I was badly bullied - and by the majority of the year too. Teachers even liked to say things about me behind my back, that's how serious it was. I came to the college I'm at because nobody else from my old school was there apart from one of the girls who stuck up for me.
As I think I've mentioned before, I make YouTube videos - twice a week, vlogs, skits, advice videos, whatever it is I want. It's my pride and joy; what I want to do when I'm older; and a platform I have gained so much confidence, and a considerable amount of success on, standing at nearly 700 subscribers in about 8 or 9 months. Everything was great until at the start of March, one of the girls near the centre of the bullying subscribed to me. I get an email every time I get a subscription - saw her name on it. Let's call her Glenda.
Glenda actually sent me a message and was nice to me. I was nice back, although I know for a fact that just because they're nice doesn't mean that they've changed at all or forgive whatever it is I did that started the bullying in the first place. We spoke for about a week, and then her best friend - let's call her Mary - also subscribed to me. Mary is, out of 3 girls, the epicentre of the bullying. I know her best for the one who told what little friends I managed to find at that school not to be friends with me because 'I didn't deserve friends' and that I was pure evil. Glenda didn't reply to my message after that. In fact, she unsubscribed and then re-subscribed about a week later (I don't know why).
Nothing else happened for a while. I was, however, slightly worried and became a little self-conscious while making my videos - however, the happiness and enthusiasm of my fanbase helped me forget what had happened and concentrate on them - the good, not the bad. Then, however, on Monday this week, everything changed.
Another boy from my old school, who is relatively good friends with Glenda and Mary subscribed to me. I've never had much to do with him, but he used to make it plain that he didn't like me, calling me 'ugly' and other unsavoury things. He left a comment on one of my videos, basically saying that he was 'repping' or representing my old school, and 'I want to be inside you'.
I panicked. It had started again.
However, the second my mother and then the college found out (the latter only because I apparently walked out of French on Tuesday looking like I'd seen a ghost) they were dead set on 1) contacting the school and 2) contacting the police if need be. It freaks me out a little, how serious this is. But the fact is, is that I left the school 11 months ago, and they're still obsessed. Thing is, more than 3 of them could be subscribed to me - a lot of anonymous users subscribe to me as well. I don't let myself be especially paranoid by it, but it does scare me to think of them all sitting there watching my videos and probably laughing. But, according to my Mum, the second one of them posts another comment is the second we contact the school and go to the police.
I don't want it to come to that. But I've moved on, and it's sick that they won't do the same. Am I gonna have them breathing down my neck for the rest of my life, cyber-stalking and harassing me in any way they can? I deleted them all off Facebook - and how they found my channel remains a total mystery.
Apart from that, I'm okay. Thinking of the people in Boston and doing my best to study hard.
Rach
Friday 12 April 2013
Lost the battle, win the war
Today I am going to be positive.
Even the word sounds like a mountain that needs climbing. Pos-i-tive, three whole syllables, two eyes, like the human head. The first syllable speaks of possibilities, however, and so I shall be positive. So here goes.
Revision has been going reasonably well. Over the past 2 weeks I have achieved a pretty considerable amount, so I'm starting to feel like there may be some hope for me yet. However, a few hours ago, I discovered, to my horror, a mountain of homework waiting for me, a bit like a monster under the bed. Here's what I have to do:
2 essays for English Literature:
- How does Auden tell the story in 'Musee des Beaux Arts' and
- We never step twice into the same Auden. How far do you agree?
Also for English, I have to start making notes on some potential Gatsby essays. I have no idea how to do this - we're only halfway through studying the book. However, the first Auden essay should be reasonably easy as I made sufficient, perhaps overly-pedantic notes in class before we broke up for Easter, and I have somewhat of a plan for the second one.
French:
- Listening and reading sections of a past paper
I did the reading section today. It was awful and I'm pretty sure I haven't done very well, but I did it, and that's all that matters right now. As for the listening, there was some kind of problem with it so we've been given another section to do. I'll tussle with that tomorrow I think, after work.
I also have a French essay to do, which will be a pain, but I can do it. The essays aren't so hard.
I'm also meant to write some silly 'response to a letter' for Psychology, but to put it bluntly, I can't be asked. I have no care for Psychology whatsoever, and I'm busy enough with the subjects I a) care about and b) am doing next year, so because of this, I'm going to miss my 2 hours of Psychology on Monday morning to focus on all these essays so that I can get them out of the way in order for me to be able to come straight home on Monday and revise, provided I don't get given anymore homework.
I'm sorry. My attitude probably sounds awful. I've left all this homework till the last minute and now I'm telling you all about how I can't be bothered to turn up for one of my subjects. But to be fair, I sort of floated along through the holidays, totally focused on exams and forgetting that we hadn't actually finished the courses yet. I also had this vague sense of an idea that I only had one essay to do for English Literature, and that was it. So silly me.
I have a new running route, and I love it. It's wonderful to explore new territories of the area that I live in while blasting Paramore's new album through my ears. My favourite songs so far have to be Part 2, Grow Up, Daydreaming and Now, although I also love the many Interludes too.
In terms of revision, I've been working pretty hard, and I'm proud of myself. I've finished Tennyson's poems and I'm about halfway though Kite Runner AONs. Auden I can remember pretty well, so I'll only need to briefly go over that, with particular attention to the debate questions. Gatsby is what I'll also need to focus on, although it should be more accessible than Auden. English Language, I've done the written and spoken units and did a past paper which went really well. French, I've learned 2 and a half units' worth of vocabulary so far, and I've been through the most important tenses that I'll need. Psychology, we don't talk about. So I'm happy.
There's a positive entry. I've noticed that page views have somewhat skyrocketed unless I've been remembering them wrong - if so, thank you to everyone who is reading! I'd love to hear from you guys, as sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself, and I'm actually pretty chatty, but even if I don't hear anything thank you anyway!
Even the word sounds like a mountain that needs climbing. Pos-i-tive, three whole syllables, two eyes, like the human head. The first syllable speaks of possibilities, however, and so I shall be positive. So here goes.
Revision has been going reasonably well. Over the past 2 weeks I have achieved a pretty considerable amount, so I'm starting to feel like there may be some hope for me yet. However, a few hours ago, I discovered, to my horror, a mountain of homework waiting for me, a bit like a monster under the bed. Here's what I have to do:
2 essays for English Literature:
- How does Auden tell the story in 'Musee des Beaux Arts' and
- We never step twice into the same Auden. How far do you agree?
Also for English, I have to start making notes on some potential Gatsby essays. I have no idea how to do this - we're only halfway through studying the book. However, the first Auden essay should be reasonably easy as I made sufficient, perhaps overly-pedantic notes in class before we broke up for Easter, and I have somewhat of a plan for the second one.
French:
- Listening and reading sections of a past paper
I did the reading section today. It was awful and I'm pretty sure I haven't done very well, but I did it, and that's all that matters right now. As for the listening, there was some kind of problem with it so we've been given another section to do. I'll tussle with that tomorrow I think, after work.
I also have a French essay to do, which will be a pain, but I can do it. The essays aren't so hard.
I'm also meant to write some silly 'response to a letter' for Psychology, but to put it bluntly, I can't be asked. I have no care for Psychology whatsoever, and I'm busy enough with the subjects I a) care about and b) am doing next year, so because of this, I'm going to miss my 2 hours of Psychology on Monday morning to focus on all these essays so that I can get them out of the way in order for me to be able to come straight home on Monday and revise, provided I don't get given anymore homework.
I'm sorry. My attitude probably sounds awful. I've left all this homework till the last minute and now I'm telling you all about how I can't be bothered to turn up for one of my subjects. But to be fair, I sort of floated along through the holidays, totally focused on exams and forgetting that we hadn't actually finished the courses yet. I also had this vague sense of an idea that I only had one essay to do for English Literature, and that was it. So silly me.
I have a new running route, and I love it. It's wonderful to explore new territories of the area that I live in while blasting Paramore's new album through my ears. My favourite songs so far have to be Part 2, Grow Up, Daydreaming and Now, although I also love the many Interludes too.
In terms of revision, I've been working pretty hard, and I'm proud of myself. I've finished Tennyson's poems and I'm about halfway though Kite Runner AONs. Auden I can remember pretty well, so I'll only need to briefly go over that, with particular attention to the debate questions. Gatsby is what I'll also need to focus on, although it should be more accessible than Auden. English Language, I've done the written and spoken units and did a past paper which went really well. French, I've learned 2 and a half units' worth of vocabulary so far, and I've been through the most important tenses that I'll need. Psychology, we don't talk about. So I'm happy.
There's a positive entry. I've noticed that page views have somewhat skyrocketed unless I've been remembering them wrong - if so, thank you to everyone who is reading! I'd love to hear from you guys, as sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself, and I'm actually pretty chatty, but even if I don't hear anything thank you anyway!
Sunday 7 April 2013
But the thoughts slip away
We're halfway through the Easter holidays, and I think I'm probably having way to much fun to even stand a chance at getting sufficient revision done. I'm only doing 2-3 hours a day and I'm really worried it's not enough, but I physically cannot do more. Every time I try and do any more than 3 hours, my brain starts feeling like it's been stuffed full and any attempt to learn any other blasted aspect of narrative or English language term or french word, let alone Psychology. I can't tell if I'm being paranoid like I often am or I genuinely am not working hard enough.
I don't really know what I've been doing with my time. It's just been those awful days when I'm stuck at home in the house doing work and it's cold and I can't motivate myself and the internet is dead and I get bored and I overeat, but it's okay to do that once a week (i.e. on Sundays) but now I'm doing it every day and I'm starting to feel fat and useless and overly anxious about A levels. I want to do well. But I'm so scared that I won't - especially when people expect me to.
I swear I will try and write something happy to talk about on this blog. I fucking hate it how it's just become a place for me to moan about my life. I think I'm just so fucking tired of this system that we circulate round and round in where every year is just homework and homework and homework and then suddenly BOOM exams and revision and panic and flurry and then the real exams and then you get the long summer of waiting, waiting for results and then you get your exam results and then you go back the next year and do exactly the fucking same thing over again. I'm bored of it. But I need to not be bored of it to actually get anywhere in life. Ugh.
Okay time to stop procrastinating. I'm going to start re-reading the Kite Runner tonight. God help me.
Nemo
I don't really know what I've been doing with my time. It's just been those awful days when I'm stuck at home in the house doing work and it's cold and I can't motivate myself and the internet is dead and I get bored and I overeat, but it's okay to do that once a week (i.e. on Sundays) but now I'm doing it every day and I'm starting to feel fat and useless and overly anxious about A levels. I want to do well. But I'm so scared that I won't - especially when people expect me to.
I swear I will try and write something happy to talk about on this blog. I fucking hate it how it's just become a place for me to moan about my life. I think I'm just so fucking tired of this system that we circulate round and round in where every year is just homework and homework and homework and then suddenly BOOM exams and revision and panic and flurry and then the real exams and then you get the long summer of waiting, waiting for results and then you get your exam results and then you go back the next year and do exactly the fucking same thing over again. I'm bored of it. But I need to not be bored of it to actually get anywhere in life. Ugh.
Okay time to stop procrastinating. I'm going to start re-reading the Kite Runner tonight. God help me.
Nemo
Thursday 4 April 2013
The Things I Know For Sure
I've kept off this blog for a while. Which is possibly the most self-indulgent thing I could do; because the reason why I've kept off the blog is because things keep happening: long things, complex things, things that will take a while to explain. Things that I can't really copy and paste. But I suppose I should start off with the things I know for sure. The things that maybe don't need much explaining. So that the human mind, of anybody reading this, who cares for the little nemo author who sits on the internet and battles A levels and depression on the other side of an all too cheerful blogspot template, can fill in the blanks and work out my emotions from there on.
1. My grandad is dead. 17th February 2013.
2. GuyImetatparty has a girlfriend. Who isn't me.
3. I'm over him.
4. One of the above is a lie.
Then onto the more complicated things. I fell out with one of my best friends. Which should have hurt but didn't.
There was a whole paragraph there but I deleted it because there's no correct way to word what happened without making one of us look like we were to blame, and it was neither of our fault. I'm not even saying that to save my own skin.
I don't really know what else to say, apart from the last half term went pretty smoothly. I finally got my shit together and started working hard again, cheered myself up, had my birthday (ups and downs then too), parties, and now I've just started revising for the end of year AS exams. I don't get Psychology but I don't really care much for it.
Went to a university open day - Goldsmiths in London. Definitely not my bag to be honest. Looking at some other places in June.
I will try and write more often. That should hopefully happen seeing as I'm currently on my Easter holidays.
Later
Nemo
1. My grandad is dead. 17th February 2013.
2. GuyImetatparty has a girlfriend. Who isn't me.
3. I'm over him.
4. One of the above is a lie.
Then onto the more complicated things. I fell out with one of my best friends. Which should have hurt but didn't.
There was a whole paragraph there but I deleted it because there's no correct way to word what happened without making one of us look like we were to blame, and it was neither of our fault. I'm not even saying that to save my own skin.
I don't really know what else to say, apart from the last half term went pretty smoothly. I finally got my shit together and started working hard again, cheered myself up, had my birthday (ups and downs then too), parties, and now I've just started revising for the end of year AS exams. I don't get Psychology but I don't really care much for it.
Went to a university open day - Goldsmiths in London. Definitely not my bag to be honest. Looking at some other places in June.
I will try and write more often. That should hopefully happen seeing as I'm currently on my Easter holidays.
Later
Nemo
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