So I have news involving GuyImetatparty. So, as it stood since my last journal about him - he has a girlfriend, and I'd stripped my feelings away to as much as I could bear to lose. However, today, we were talking - and suddenly, it all just burst out of him in one giant fervent explosion. The reason why he'd stood me up so many times is mainly because of his mother - I can see why. I'm 17 years old, and he's 15. In the UK, at 16 you become legal. But let me assure you, this was the last thing on my mind. It angers me somewhat that we are all covered by this stereotype that all we want from each other is meaningless sex. And let's face it, I am a slightly socially awkward teenage girl who spends most of her evenings making YouTube videos and eating too much. But it's the way the world works, and I accept that. Anyway, so he and his girlfriend have been a 'thing' for a while - but his mother forbade him from telling anybody for some strange reason.
And then, of course, along came Rach.
At the start of our story, it was almost like some kind of strange Romcom. Two socially awkward people end up at some kind of wild party, he looking like her favourite singer, she dressed as his favourite superhero. Now, it just seems to have turned into one of those awful dramas that you might see Kiera Knightly starring in. GuyImetatparty confessed to me today that he's been crying over all of this, over being stuck between myself and his girlfriend. I know that to an outsider, it might be simple. If he's been going out with this girl and developed feelings for me, he should dump her, right? But it's not as simple as that. People tend to push their feelings aside far too much these days, cut themselves off from their emotions. No wonder we're so apathetic towards Bella Cullen! But feelings are feelings, and pain is pain. Both demand to be felt. (Good old John Green). Should I stand up for my rights? Should I demand an ultimatum? Probably. But I won't. He's one of my best friends. As I've said before, we just... connect. And you don't lay something like that on the line - ever. His mother might hate me for existing, and my mother might hate him for existing, but that makes us even stronger. There's nothing between our relationship because what should be coming between us comes from both sides.
I miss him. And I still believe in him. He's not a bad person. And over the past months, I've come to realise that I can put on this facade and pretend that I'm the hero, but that's not me. It would be disrespectful to all that I've been through just to be apathetic to my own sadness and see the good in everyone, in everything, in myself. And the bad, that slight disorganisation that I see in him when it comes to dealing with people, I can identify with.
Words.
I don't know if I make much sense right now; I've been editing for the past 8 hours and my brain is beginning to cry itself to sleep. I promised my friend I'd go see her at work but right now all I want to do is curl up and sleep and think and dream of a thousand possibilities all peppered with the occasional appearance of Kiera Knightly and maybe Ewan McGregor if that's the way this story goes, but I can't. I've got to do revision among other things. So I'll feed myself up on coffee and go down to meet my friend while reciting methodically the aspects of narrative deployed in Chapter 2 of Gatsby. Then, by that point, the memories of today will have become so glossed over that I'll lose these raw thoughts that create dreams and ideas and solutions, and our relationship will continue to stew.
Maybe one day we'll find a solution. But I don't know if it's a solution that either of us will want, because it will involve Leonardo DiCaprio leading us through some kind of urban dance while we dance temptingly away from the world we left behind. Nobody would ever forgive us. But at the same time, there'd be something glorious by it. I always loved to do the one thing people never expected of me - and this would be the last laugh. A final, Ha! amongst a long-line of previous 'Ha!'s that started when I left the state system, continued when I returned to the state system and continue to resound as a boycott Psychology. We'd face an ultimatum with Tom Hanks; perhaps Mark Ruffalo. And then I remember that it is real life, and just like in reality, in the way that Leonardo Dicaprio never gets his oscar, we will have to suffer for being so daring too. And anyway, I don't see either of us doing that. I strongly doubt he allows himself to like me in that way anymore, and I too withold my emotions. It's easier this way - I'd rather just focus on my work and my videos and have done with it.
I'll sober up my thoughts now. But as you can tell, it's been a long day, and I think I need some air.
Rach
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