I haven't written in more than a month; as always, I've been busy finishing off exams for Year 12 and starting Year 13. The major thing that happened is that I got diagnosed with depression with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I'm now on anti-depressants. Which has vastly improved my life - although sometimes my sleeping pattern suffers, I've felt happier, and the flashbacks, as well as panic attacks have stopped. I have more energy during the day, and people have been commenting on my awesome change in mood. So that's one good thing. y
A lot of stuff has also happened in terms of boys. Now that the wild love stories about myself and GuyImetatparty have stopped circulating, it seems like a freaking queue had begun to formulate, as if I was a candidate on bachelorette. Let's call the first one Steven. Steven made it obvious he liked me from the word go, and my friend actually set us up on a blind date (with her and a few friends there too) to go and see The Purge at our local cinema. The problem, however, was that he's a year younger than me, and doesn't look old enough to see an R-rated movie. So originally they didn't let him in, but he managed to sneak in somehow. By which point I was sitting between two friends anyway, quite happily. He then tried to come onto me while playing hide and seek in the park, but I don't like him in that way. Over the last few months I haven't really wanted a boyfriend, so that's the problem with being forced onto some kind of bachelorette metaphor - what fun is it when she isn't even looking for a boyfriend? I've heard that Steven has been trying it on with other girls recently, so his apparent 'undying love' for me was obviously fake.
Then there's Peter, as I shall call him. Peter started talking to me about a month ago, but I could tell then that he was hinting that he wanted a relationship with me. I told him I didn't like anyone like that as I was still getting over guyImetatparty, and he didn't talk to me for a few weeks. We then started talking again a few weeks ago, and he told me how he too didn't want a relationship, and invited me round his house to play YuGiOh and have a few drinks. I knew something was wrong the moment he turned up wearing his best clothes and told me he only had spirits in the house - I don't drink spirits because I once drank too much Malibu and nearly had to go to hospital after passing out on my friend's bathroom floor. So we had some Jager and Tequila, and by this point both of us were very drunk. He then dared me to make out with him, which I did out of niceness more than anything (because he'd asked/dared me, who am I to say no? That gives off the impression that I wouldn't even kiss him). After that, he told me he had a crush on me and wanted me to go out with him. We then spent the rest of the time arguing about my not wanting a relationship before I eventually left a few hours later. Since then, he's lied to one of our mutual friends about what happened at his house, and hasn't spoken to me since, even though I've tried to start numerous conversations on Facebook, wanting us to go back to being friends as I didn't hold anything against him. Guess his pride is too big then.
They've been the main two, there have been others but they've all realised pretty quickly that I wasn't looking. I say wasn't because recently everything has changed.
Imagine this: a day after I went to Peter's house we had college again. I wandered into English Lit super anxious about what I was going to say to him - maybe we should go out, wouldn't that be simpler? Could I really do the whole relationship thing again? As the questions whirled around in my mind, and my hands began to shake, my anxiety strengthened slightly by the little yellow and green tablet I'd taken that morning, I was vaguely aware of a ginger-haired guy that I'd never seen before walking in a few minutes late, much to the annoyance of our teacher. Incidentally, it was also a year 10 taster day; I wonder if he'd walked into the wrong classroom. Studying him closely, I decided he was too old, and as he took out the books we were studying in class, I realised that he must have joined our english class sometime when I'd been away the last two weeks (one week I was ill with the flu; the second week I was away on a creative writing course in Cambridge). Soon enough, I returned to my ponderings, and the hour went annoyingly quickly. As everyone began to pack away, I realised I still had no idea what I was going to say to Peter. As I walked out the classroom, however, I saw that the ginger guy was waiting outside - let's call him Sky. I figured he was waiting for a friend, so I smiled vaguely at him and made to walk off, but he instead fell into step with me and was like, "You're Rach, right?" I confirmed this, and he started making conversation with me about English and stuff. He then moved on to my Avengers tshirt, and realising that he was a fellow nerd, I relaxed slightly.
I figured that down on the ground floor he'd bugger off to go hang out with his friends, but he didn't; we were both done for the day in terms of classes. I was waiting for two of my friends and Peter; we normally go to the local supermarket to get lunch and hang out. At this point, Peter turned up - so now, it was just me, him and this mysterious guy called Sky. Which was awkward as heck after what had happened the day before; Peter was staring at me as I continued my conversation with Sky. Our other two friends appeared, and I introduced Sky to them. We then all headed off to the supermarket, during which time Sky told me he had Tumblr. I then told him I too had Tumblr and was into Homestuck, in which we found out we both had the same obsession.
Ever since then we've been talking a lot and I think I might like him. We're going on a date tomorrow.
Monday 8 July 2013
Monday 27 May 2013
MCM Expo, London
Getting to meet Alex Day, Chris Kendall and Jack & Dean has to be one of the best experiences of my life. Like, these people I have been watching for years; these people inspired me to start my own YouTube channel, which really has been my saving grace over the past few years, these people are the first of a new generation where the internet rules the airwaves and gives birth to incredible new talent.
That's right, I went to Comic Con this May, just like I did last October. Originally I wasn't going to go; I woke up on the Friday exhausted and not feeling amazingly well, and as a result I feel my English Language exam may have somewhat suffered, but I braved the horrid weather and travelled up to London with my brother.
We were more there to just look around, buy some stuff and maybe go say hi to Alex Day, who I knew for a fact was definitely there. However, it turned out that Chris Kendall (Crabstickz) was also there, and we actually bumped into him as we wandered round. I did call out hello to him but he was busy with some other friends, so I felt like I didn't want to hover round him like some really annoying fangirl. By this point I was already bright red in the fact and freaking out, but it got even better when we walked past the stand where Jack and Dean were both selling merch. After wandering around for a little time more we finally found the Lifescouts desk, and that's when I saw Alex Day.
There are no words for how it felt to see somebody that I've been following since he reached his first 100,000 subscribers suddenly appear in front of me.
Anyway, we had a quick conversation when I picked a lifescouts badge at random (the event on the badge I would then have to go and do) and I picked guitar, which I already play - Alex telling me that I didn't have to pick another, but that I'd won 'the magic prize' (still waiting on said prize, Alex!) and then I got them all to wave for the camera and after that I ran away and decided not to bother any of them again.
But either way it was an amazing day and I was so glad to have gone. I feel inspired and ready to create more content - maybe the next time I'll see them it'll be as co-workers on YouTube rather than just fan and creator!
That's right, I went to Comic Con this May, just like I did last October. Originally I wasn't going to go; I woke up on the Friday exhausted and not feeling amazingly well, and as a result I feel my English Language exam may have somewhat suffered, but I braved the horrid weather and travelled up to London with my brother.
We were more there to just look around, buy some stuff and maybe go say hi to Alex Day, who I knew for a fact was definitely there. However, it turned out that Chris Kendall (Crabstickz) was also there, and we actually bumped into him as we wandered round. I did call out hello to him but he was busy with some other friends, so I felt like I didn't want to hover round him like some really annoying fangirl. By this point I was already bright red in the fact and freaking out, but it got even better when we walked past the stand where Jack and Dean were both selling merch. After wandering around for a little time more we finally found the Lifescouts desk, and that's when I saw Alex Day.
There are no words for how it felt to see somebody that I've been following since he reached his first 100,000 subscribers suddenly appear in front of me.
Anyway, we had a quick conversation when I picked a lifescouts badge at random (the event on the badge I would then have to go and do) and I picked guitar, which I already play - Alex telling me that I didn't have to pick another, but that I'd won 'the magic prize' (still waiting on said prize, Alex!) and then I got them all to wave for the camera and after that I ran away and decided not to bother any of them again.
But either way it was an amazing day and I was so glad to have gone. I feel inspired and ready to create more content - maybe the next time I'll see them it'll be as co-workers on YouTube rather than just fan and creator!
Tuesday 21 May 2013
3/5
I've kept off this blog while I finished off with Year 12 and started my exams. So far they're going fine - more than fine, actually, I'm very proud with what I've done and pretty sure that I've got A in English Literature and at least a B in French. English Language on Friday, and there's Psychology after half term, but I dunno if I want to revise for that as I don't agree with the course content - learning about the more extreme treatments for depression isn't exactly something that appeals to me.
Not much to report really. I've been enjoying actually being able to sleep in and stay up and having control over what I've doing. A small amount of stress over YouTube, perhaps, but it's just the habit of getting my name up there that is doing it. I'm about to hit 1,000 subscribers so I'm super excited about that. Collaborations are coming in, I'm booked up to make documentaries and montages at Comic Con and I'm also going to be part of THE hottest new collaboration channel for us smaller YouTubers, which is called PleasantTalk.
There have been ups and downs - the ups being hanging out with my college friends in town and watching the sun go down. That was incredible therapy. There's another boy who likes me, and bless him, he is such a gentle soul. We're all gonna go camping soon which will be nice :)
I don't know how I feel about GuyImetatParty anymore. We had a 2 hour Skype conversation a few weeks ago which was nice I guess. Talking to him makes me feel calm and safe and secure and like I'm okay but then it makes me feel confused and I remember the pain and end up lost all over again. Not talking to him makes me feel like I'm hurting again and lonely and misunderstood by all those around me, yet my head becomes clearer and I begin to start looking at other guys in That Way again.
I guess guys deciding they have a crush on me confounds me slightly. I'm starting to adopt the he-likes-me-so-therefore-I-should-get-out-of-this-stupid-bubble thing again, which is how I ended up going out with my ex for 3 days. So I need to be careful and just let myself heal. But it would be so nice just to meet someone who would be worth it. Who would pale in comparison to GuyImetatParty. But until that day comes, this is how I am.
Not long to go now I guess in terms of college, but then I remember that it doesn't stop then. My friends won't all fade away like they did at my old school as soon as the summer holidays started, and that's a good thing. There'll be days out and road trips and holidays and parties and all the fun things, but I guess I won't have Rach time so much. Maybe that's a good thing. And I doubt I'll see GuyImetatparty much so maybe he'll just get lost away within the summer heat, burning up in the sunrise and cooling to a thin sheen of ice on the dark side of the moon. We can live in hope.
Not much to report really. I've been enjoying actually being able to sleep in and stay up and having control over what I've doing. A small amount of stress over YouTube, perhaps, but it's just the habit of getting my name up there that is doing it. I'm about to hit 1,000 subscribers so I'm super excited about that. Collaborations are coming in, I'm booked up to make documentaries and montages at Comic Con and I'm also going to be part of THE hottest new collaboration channel for us smaller YouTubers, which is called PleasantTalk.
There have been ups and downs - the ups being hanging out with my college friends in town and watching the sun go down. That was incredible therapy. There's another boy who likes me, and bless him, he is such a gentle soul. We're all gonna go camping soon which will be nice :)
I don't know how I feel about GuyImetatParty anymore. We had a 2 hour Skype conversation a few weeks ago which was nice I guess. Talking to him makes me feel calm and safe and secure and like I'm okay but then it makes me feel confused and I remember the pain and end up lost all over again. Not talking to him makes me feel like I'm hurting again and lonely and misunderstood by all those around me, yet my head becomes clearer and I begin to start looking at other guys in That Way again.
I guess guys deciding they have a crush on me confounds me slightly. I'm starting to adopt the he-likes-me-so-therefore-I-should-get-out-of-this-stupid-bubble thing again, which is how I ended up going out with my ex for 3 days. So I need to be careful and just let myself heal. But it would be so nice just to meet someone who would be worth it. Who would pale in comparison to GuyImetatParty. But until that day comes, this is how I am.
Not long to go now I guess in terms of college, but then I remember that it doesn't stop then. My friends won't all fade away like they did at my old school as soon as the summer holidays started, and that's a good thing. There'll be days out and road trips and holidays and parties and all the fun things, but I guess I won't have Rach time so much. Maybe that's a good thing. And I doubt I'll see GuyImetatparty much so maybe he'll just get lost away within the summer heat, burning up in the sunrise and cooling to a thin sheen of ice on the dark side of the moon. We can live in hope.
Saturday 27 April 2013
A Confession
Last night wasn't good.
I cut myself nine times in a row. And it made me feel, so, so much better.
I'm not sure whether I should be ashamed of this or not yet. But for week in week out I've been holding all this emotion inside of me and it's been killing me inside. All the loneliness; all the stress. Finally I had a chance to let it out, watch the negative energy pour out through those crimson cracks that mark the way in which my resolve has broken. I felt my whole body relax. Running has only been a short term solution. Things like making videos, writing and drawing don't help in the way they need to. So I cut.
I don't know what hope there is for me in the future. I don't know what I want to do.
I don't think I can bear leaving college and starting all over again. I think it'll kill me. And at uni, I'll be away from home. Far away. I won't know anyone. And I need to give myself some time out. I don't even want to go to uni that much. All it is is an amalgamation of parties crossed with blurry-eyed essays composed through half-intoxicated clouds of thought. I don't even like my college friends - what's to say I'll like the ones I make at university? They'll all be conventional and boring and naiive just like college people are. Just like most of the people I've met in my life have been.
I'm not saying I'm just 'one of those kids who doesn't think anyone understands her' but I've had very few people to talk to in my life about all of this. For example, yesterday, the only person I could tell was GuyImetatparty, and he understood. he told me it was okay that I cut. said that he even did sometimes. told me i should do what i loved when i was older - but how can i? when i don't even know what it is that i love anymor.e
this is making me feel worese. i'm going. can't even type properly
I cut myself nine times in a row. And it made me feel, so, so much better.
I'm not sure whether I should be ashamed of this or not yet. But for week in week out I've been holding all this emotion inside of me and it's been killing me inside. All the loneliness; all the stress. Finally I had a chance to let it out, watch the negative energy pour out through those crimson cracks that mark the way in which my resolve has broken. I felt my whole body relax. Running has only been a short term solution. Things like making videos, writing and drawing don't help in the way they need to. So I cut.
I don't know what hope there is for me in the future. I don't know what I want to do.
I don't think I can bear leaving college and starting all over again. I think it'll kill me. And at uni, I'll be away from home. Far away. I won't know anyone. And I need to give myself some time out. I don't even want to go to uni that much. All it is is an amalgamation of parties crossed with blurry-eyed essays composed through half-intoxicated clouds of thought. I don't even like my college friends - what's to say I'll like the ones I make at university? They'll all be conventional and boring and naiive just like college people are. Just like most of the people I've met in my life have been.
I'm not saying I'm just 'one of those kids who doesn't think anyone understands her' but I've had very few people to talk to in my life about all of this. For example, yesterday, the only person I could tell was GuyImetatparty, and he understood. he told me it was okay that I cut. said that he even did sometimes. told me i should do what i loved when i was older - but how can i? when i don't even know what it is that i love anymor.e
this is making me feel worese. i'm going. can't even type properly
Sunday 21 April 2013
From Romcom to Drama to Leonardo DiCaprio-esque
So I have news involving GuyImetatparty. So, as it stood since my last journal about him - he has a girlfriend, and I'd stripped my feelings away to as much as I could bear to lose. However, today, we were talking - and suddenly, it all just burst out of him in one giant fervent explosion. The reason why he'd stood me up so many times is mainly because of his mother - I can see why. I'm 17 years old, and he's 15. In the UK, at 16 you become legal. But let me assure you, this was the last thing on my mind. It angers me somewhat that we are all covered by this stereotype that all we want from each other is meaningless sex. And let's face it, I am a slightly socially awkward teenage girl who spends most of her evenings making YouTube videos and eating too much. But it's the way the world works, and I accept that. Anyway, so he and his girlfriend have been a 'thing' for a while - but his mother forbade him from telling anybody for some strange reason.
And then, of course, along came Rach.
At the start of our story, it was almost like some kind of strange Romcom. Two socially awkward people end up at some kind of wild party, he looking like her favourite singer, she dressed as his favourite superhero. Now, it just seems to have turned into one of those awful dramas that you might see Kiera Knightly starring in. GuyImetatparty confessed to me today that he's been crying over all of this, over being stuck between myself and his girlfriend. I know that to an outsider, it might be simple. If he's been going out with this girl and developed feelings for me, he should dump her, right? But it's not as simple as that. People tend to push their feelings aside far too much these days, cut themselves off from their emotions. No wonder we're so apathetic towards Bella Cullen! But feelings are feelings, and pain is pain. Both demand to be felt. (Good old John Green). Should I stand up for my rights? Should I demand an ultimatum? Probably. But I won't. He's one of my best friends. As I've said before, we just... connect. And you don't lay something like that on the line - ever. His mother might hate me for existing, and my mother might hate him for existing, but that makes us even stronger. There's nothing between our relationship because what should be coming between us comes from both sides.
I miss him. And I still believe in him. He's not a bad person. And over the past months, I've come to realise that I can put on this facade and pretend that I'm the hero, but that's not me. It would be disrespectful to all that I've been through just to be apathetic to my own sadness and see the good in everyone, in everything, in myself. And the bad, that slight disorganisation that I see in him when it comes to dealing with people, I can identify with.
Words.
I don't know if I make much sense right now; I've been editing for the past 8 hours and my brain is beginning to cry itself to sleep. I promised my friend I'd go see her at work but right now all I want to do is curl up and sleep and think and dream of a thousand possibilities all peppered with the occasional appearance of Kiera Knightly and maybe Ewan McGregor if that's the way this story goes, but I can't. I've got to do revision among other things. So I'll feed myself up on coffee and go down to meet my friend while reciting methodically the aspects of narrative deployed in Chapter 2 of Gatsby. Then, by that point, the memories of today will have become so glossed over that I'll lose these raw thoughts that create dreams and ideas and solutions, and our relationship will continue to stew.
Maybe one day we'll find a solution. But I don't know if it's a solution that either of us will want, because it will involve Leonardo DiCaprio leading us through some kind of urban dance while we dance temptingly away from the world we left behind. Nobody would ever forgive us. But at the same time, there'd be something glorious by it. I always loved to do the one thing people never expected of me - and this would be the last laugh. A final, Ha! amongst a long-line of previous 'Ha!'s that started when I left the state system, continued when I returned to the state system and continue to resound as a boycott Psychology. We'd face an ultimatum with Tom Hanks; perhaps Mark Ruffalo. And then I remember that it is real life, and just like in reality, in the way that Leonardo Dicaprio never gets his oscar, we will have to suffer for being so daring too. And anyway, I don't see either of us doing that. I strongly doubt he allows himself to like me in that way anymore, and I too withold my emotions. It's easier this way - I'd rather just focus on my work and my videos and have done with it.
I'll sober up my thoughts now. But as you can tell, it's been a long day, and I think I need some air.
Rach
And then, of course, along came Rach.
At the start of our story, it was almost like some kind of strange Romcom. Two socially awkward people end up at some kind of wild party, he looking like her favourite singer, she dressed as his favourite superhero. Now, it just seems to have turned into one of those awful dramas that you might see Kiera Knightly starring in. GuyImetatparty confessed to me today that he's been crying over all of this, over being stuck between myself and his girlfriend. I know that to an outsider, it might be simple. If he's been going out with this girl and developed feelings for me, he should dump her, right? But it's not as simple as that. People tend to push their feelings aside far too much these days, cut themselves off from their emotions. No wonder we're so apathetic towards Bella Cullen! But feelings are feelings, and pain is pain. Both demand to be felt. (Good old John Green). Should I stand up for my rights? Should I demand an ultimatum? Probably. But I won't. He's one of my best friends. As I've said before, we just... connect. And you don't lay something like that on the line - ever. His mother might hate me for existing, and my mother might hate him for existing, but that makes us even stronger. There's nothing between our relationship because what should be coming between us comes from both sides.
I miss him. And I still believe in him. He's not a bad person. And over the past months, I've come to realise that I can put on this facade and pretend that I'm the hero, but that's not me. It would be disrespectful to all that I've been through just to be apathetic to my own sadness and see the good in everyone, in everything, in myself. And the bad, that slight disorganisation that I see in him when it comes to dealing with people, I can identify with.
Words.
I don't know if I make much sense right now; I've been editing for the past 8 hours and my brain is beginning to cry itself to sleep. I promised my friend I'd go see her at work but right now all I want to do is curl up and sleep and think and dream of a thousand possibilities all peppered with the occasional appearance of Kiera Knightly and maybe Ewan McGregor if that's the way this story goes, but I can't. I've got to do revision among other things. So I'll feed myself up on coffee and go down to meet my friend while reciting methodically the aspects of narrative deployed in Chapter 2 of Gatsby. Then, by that point, the memories of today will have become so glossed over that I'll lose these raw thoughts that create dreams and ideas and solutions, and our relationship will continue to stew.
Maybe one day we'll find a solution. But I don't know if it's a solution that either of us will want, because it will involve Leonardo DiCaprio leading us through some kind of urban dance while we dance temptingly away from the world we left behind. Nobody would ever forgive us. But at the same time, there'd be something glorious by it. I always loved to do the one thing people never expected of me - and this would be the last laugh. A final, Ha! amongst a long-line of previous 'Ha!'s that started when I left the state system, continued when I returned to the state system and continue to resound as a boycott Psychology. We'd face an ultimatum with Tom Hanks; perhaps Mark Ruffalo. And then I remember that it is real life, and just like in reality, in the way that Leonardo Dicaprio never gets his oscar, we will have to suffer for being so daring too. And anyway, I don't see either of us doing that. I strongly doubt he allows himself to like me in that way anymore, and I too withold my emotions. It's easier this way - I'd rather just focus on my work and my videos and have done with it.
I'll sober up my thoughts now. But as you can tell, it's been a long day, and I think I need some air.
Rach
Wednesday 17 April 2013
I could be angry but
So, this week, a more serious problem has arisen. It's going to take a while for me to explain but:
Basically, I left my old school because I was badly bullied - and by the majority of the year too. Teachers even liked to say things about me behind my back, that's how serious it was. I came to the college I'm at because nobody else from my old school was there apart from one of the girls who stuck up for me.
As I think I've mentioned before, I make YouTube videos - twice a week, vlogs, skits, advice videos, whatever it is I want. It's my pride and joy; what I want to do when I'm older; and a platform I have gained so much confidence, and a considerable amount of success on, standing at nearly 700 subscribers in about 8 or 9 months. Everything was great until at the start of March, one of the girls near the centre of the bullying subscribed to me. I get an email every time I get a subscription - saw her name on it. Let's call her Glenda.
Glenda actually sent me a message and was nice to me. I was nice back, although I know for a fact that just because they're nice doesn't mean that they've changed at all or forgive whatever it is I did that started the bullying in the first place. We spoke for about a week, and then her best friend - let's call her Mary - also subscribed to me. Mary is, out of 3 girls, the epicentre of the bullying. I know her best for the one who told what little friends I managed to find at that school not to be friends with me because 'I didn't deserve friends' and that I was pure evil. Glenda didn't reply to my message after that. In fact, she unsubscribed and then re-subscribed about a week later (I don't know why).
Nothing else happened for a while. I was, however, slightly worried and became a little self-conscious while making my videos - however, the happiness and enthusiasm of my fanbase helped me forget what had happened and concentrate on them - the good, not the bad. Then, however, on Monday this week, everything changed.
Another boy from my old school, who is relatively good friends with Glenda and Mary subscribed to me. I've never had much to do with him, but he used to make it plain that he didn't like me, calling me 'ugly' and other unsavoury things. He left a comment on one of my videos, basically saying that he was 'repping' or representing my old school, and 'I want to be inside you'.
I panicked. It had started again.
However, the second my mother and then the college found out (the latter only because I apparently walked out of French on Tuesday looking like I'd seen a ghost) they were dead set on 1) contacting the school and 2) contacting the police if need be. It freaks me out a little, how serious this is. But the fact is, is that I left the school 11 months ago, and they're still obsessed. Thing is, more than 3 of them could be subscribed to me - a lot of anonymous users subscribe to me as well. I don't let myself be especially paranoid by it, but it does scare me to think of them all sitting there watching my videos and probably laughing. But, according to my Mum, the second one of them posts another comment is the second we contact the school and go to the police.
I don't want it to come to that. But I've moved on, and it's sick that they won't do the same. Am I gonna have them breathing down my neck for the rest of my life, cyber-stalking and harassing me in any way they can? I deleted them all off Facebook - and how they found my channel remains a total mystery.
Apart from that, I'm okay. Thinking of the people in Boston and doing my best to study hard.
Rach
Basically, I left my old school because I was badly bullied - and by the majority of the year too. Teachers even liked to say things about me behind my back, that's how serious it was. I came to the college I'm at because nobody else from my old school was there apart from one of the girls who stuck up for me.
As I think I've mentioned before, I make YouTube videos - twice a week, vlogs, skits, advice videos, whatever it is I want. It's my pride and joy; what I want to do when I'm older; and a platform I have gained so much confidence, and a considerable amount of success on, standing at nearly 700 subscribers in about 8 or 9 months. Everything was great until at the start of March, one of the girls near the centre of the bullying subscribed to me. I get an email every time I get a subscription - saw her name on it. Let's call her Glenda.
Glenda actually sent me a message and was nice to me. I was nice back, although I know for a fact that just because they're nice doesn't mean that they've changed at all or forgive whatever it is I did that started the bullying in the first place. We spoke for about a week, and then her best friend - let's call her Mary - also subscribed to me. Mary is, out of 3 girls, the epicentre of the bullying. I know her best for the one who told what little friends I managed to find at that school not to be friends with me because 'I didn't deserve friends' and that I was pure evil. Glenda didn't reply to my message after that. In fact, she unsubscribed and then re-subscribed about a week later (I don't know why).
Nothing else happened for a while. I was, however, slightly worried and became a little self-conscious while making my videos - however, the happiness and enthusiasm of my fanbase helped me forget what had happened and concentrate on them - the good, not the bad. Then, however, on Monday this week, everything changed.
Another boy from my old school, who is relatively good friends with Glenda and Mary subscribed to me. I've never had much to do with him, but he used to make it plain that he didn't like me, calling me 'ugly' and other unsavoury things. He left a comment on one of my videos, basically saying that he was 'repping' or representing my old school, and 'I want to be inside you'.
I panicked. It had started again.
However, the second my mother and then the college found out (the latter only because I apparently walked out of French on Tuesday looking like I'd seen a ghost) they were dead set on 1) contacting the school and 2) contacting the police if need be. It freaks me out a little, how serious this is. But the fact is, is that I left the school 11 months ago, and they're still obsessed. Thing is, more than 3 of them could be subscribed to me - a lot of anonymous users subscribe to me as well. I don't let myself be especially paranoid by it, but it does scare me to think of them all sitting there watching my videos and probably laughing. But, according to my Mum, the second one of them posts another comment is the second we contact the school and go to the police.
I don't want it to come to that. But I've moved on, and it's sick that they won't do the same. Am I gonna have them breathing down my neck for the rest of my life, cyber-stalking and harassing me in any way they can? I deleted them all off Facebook - and how they found my channel remains a total mystery.
Apart from that, I'm okay. Thinking of the people in Boston and doing my best to study hard.
Rach
Friday 12 April 2013
Lost the battle, win the war
Today I am going to be positive.
Even the word sounds like a mountain that needs climbing. Pos-i-tive, three whole syllables, two eyes, like the human head. The first syllable speaks of possibilities, however, and so I shall be positive. So here goes.
Revision has been going reasonably well. Over the past 2 weeks I have achieved a pretty considerable amount, so I'm starting to feel like there may be some hope for me yet. However, a few hours ago, I discovered, to my horror, a mountain of homework waiting for me, a bit like a monster under the bed. Here's what I have to do:
2 essays for English Literature:
- How does Auden tell the story in 'Musee des Beaux Arts' and
- We never step twice into the same Auden. How far do you agree?
Also for English, I have to start making notes on some potential Gatsby essays. I have no idea how to do this - we're only halfway through studying the book. However, the first Auden essay should be reasonably easy as I made sufficient, perhaps overly-pedantic notes in class before we broke up for Easter, and I have somewhat of a plan for the second one.
French:
- Listening and reading sections of a past paper
I did the reading section today. It was awful and I'm pretty sure I haven't done very well, but I did it, and that's all that matters right now. As for the listening, there was some kind of problem with it so we've been given another section to do. I'll tussle with that tomorrow I think, after work.
I also have a French essay to do, which will be a pain, but I can do it. The essays aren't so hard.
I'm also meant to write some silly 'response to a letter' for Psychology, but to put it bluntly, I can't be asked. I have no care for Psychology whatsoever, and I'm busy enough with the subjects I a) care about and b) am doing next year, so because of this, I'm going to miss my 2 hours of Psychology on Monday morning to focus on all these essays so that I can get them out of the way in order for me to be able to come straight home on Monday and revise, provided I don't get given anymore homework.
I'm sorry. My attitude probably sounds awful. I've left all this homework till the last minute and now I'm telling you all about how I can't be bothered to turn up for one of my subjects. But to be fair, I sort of floated along through the holidays, totally focused on exams and forgetting that we hadn't actually finished the courses yet. I also had this vague sense of an idea that I only had one essay to do for English Literature, and that was it. So silly me.
I have a new running route, and I love it. It's wonderful to explore new territories of the area that I live in while blasting Paramore's new album through my ears. My favourite songs so far have to be Part 2, Grow Up, Daydreaming and Now, although I also love the many Interludes too.
In terms of revision, I've been working pretty hard, and I'm proud of myself. I've finished Tennyson's poems and I'm about halfway though Kite Runner AONs. Auden I can remember pretty well, so I'll only need to briefly go over that, with particular attention to the debate questions. Gatsby is what I'll also need to focus on, although it should be more accessible than Auden. English Language, I've done the written and spoken units and did a past paper which went really well. French, I've learned 2 and a half units' worth of vocabulary so far, and I've been through the most important tenses that I'll need. Psychology, we don't talk about. So I'm happy.
There's a positive entry. I've noticed that page views have somewhat skyrocketed unless I've been remembering them wrong - if so, thank you to everyone who is reading! I'd love to hear from you guys, as sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself, and I'm actually pretty chatty, but even if I don't hear anything thank you anyway!
Even the word sounds like a mountain that needs climbing. Pos-i-tive, three whole syllables, two eyes, like the human head. The first syllable speaks of possibilities, however, and so I shall be positive. So here goes.
Revision has been going reasonably well. Over the past 2 weeks I have achieved a pretty considerable amount, so I'm starting to feel like there may be some hope for me yet. However, a few hours ago, I discovered, to my horror, a mountain of homework waiting for me, a bit like a monster under the bed. Here's what I have to do:
2 essays for English Literature:
- How does Auden tell the story in 'Musee des Beaux Arts' and
- We never step twice into the same Auden. How far do you agree?
Also for English, I have to start making notes on some potential Gatsby essays. I have no idea how to do this - we're only halfway through studying the book. However, the first Auden essay should be reasonably easy as I made sufficient, perhaps overly-pedantic notes in class before we broke up for Easter, and I have somewhat of a plan for the second one.
French:
- Listening and reading sections of a past paper
I did the reading section today. It was awful and I'm pretty sure I haven't done very well, but I did it, and that's all that matters right now. As for the listening, there was some kind of problem with it so we've been given another section to do. I'll tussle with that tomorrow I think, after work.
I also have a French essay to do, which will be a pain, but I can do it. The essays aren't so hard.
I'm also meant to write some silly 'response to a letter' for Psychology, but to put it bluntly, I can't be asked. I have no care for Psychology whatsoever, and I'm busy enough with the subjects I a) care about and b) am doing next year, so because of this, I'm going to miss my 2 hours of Psychology on Monday morning to focus on all these essays so that I can get them out of the way in order for me to be able to come straight home on Monday and revise, provided I don't get given anymore homework.
I'm sorry. My attitude probably sounds awful. I've left all this homework till the last minute and now I'm telling you all about how I can't be bothered to turn up for one of my subjects. But to be fair, I sort of floated along through the holidays, totally focused on exams and forgetting that we hadn't actually finished the courses yet. I also had this vague sense of an idea that I only had one essay to do for English Literature, and that was it. So silly me.
I have a new running route, and I love it. It's wonderful to explore new territories of the area that I live in while blasting Paramore's new album through my ears. My favourite songs so far have to be Part 2, Grow Up, Daydreaming and Now, although I also love the many Interludes too.
In terms of revision, I've been working pretty hard, and I'm proud of myself. I've finished Tennyson's poems and I'm about halfway though Kite Runner AONs. Auden I can remember pretty well, so I'll only need to briefly go over that, with particular attention to the debate questions. Gatsby is what I'll also need to focus on, although it should be more accessible than Auden. English Language, I've done the written and spoken units and did a past paper which went really well. French, I've learned 2 and a half units' worth of vocabulary so far, and I've been through the most important tenses that I'll need. Psychology, we don't talk about. So I'm happy.
There's a positive entry. I've noticed that page views have somewhat skyrocketed unless I've been remembering them wrong - if so, thank you to everyone who is reading! I'd love to hear from you guys, as sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself, and I'm actually pretty chatty, but even if I don't hear anything thank you anyway!
Sunday 7 April 2013
But the thoughts slip away
We're halfway through the Easter holidays, and I think I'm probably having way to much fun to even stand a chance at getting sufficient revision done. I'm only doing 2-3 hours a day and I'm really worried it's not enough, but I physically cannot do more. Every time I try and do any more than 3 hours, my brain starts feeling like it's been stuffed full and any attempt to learn any other blasted aspect of narrative or English language term or french word, let alone Psychology. I can't tell if I'm being paranoid like I often am or I genuinely am not working hard enough.
I don't really know what I've been doing with my time. It's just been those awful days when I'm stuck at home in the house doing work and it's cold and I can't motivate myself and the internet is dead and I get bored and I overeat, but it's okay to do that once a week (i.e. on Sundays) but now I'm doing it every day and I'm starting to feel fat and useless and overly anxious about A levels. I want to do well. But I'm so scared that I won't - especially when people expect me to.
I swear I will try and write something happy to talk about on this blog. I fucking hate it how it's just become a place for me to moan about my life. I think I'm just so fucking tired of this system that we circulate round and round in where every year is just homework and homework and homework and then suddenly BOOM exams and revision and panic and flurry and then the real exams and then you get the long summer of waiting, waiting for results and then you get your exam results and then you go back the next year and do exactly the fucking same thing over again. I'm bored of it. But I need to not be bored of it to actually get anywhere in life. Ugh.
Okay time to stop procrastinating. I'm going to start re-reading the Kite Runner tonight. God help me.
Nemo
I don't really know what I've been doing with my time. It's just been those awful days when I'm stuck at home in the house doing work and it's cold and I can't motivate myself and the internet is dead and I get bored and I overeat, but it's okay to do that once a week (i.e. on Sundays) but now I'm doing it every day and I'm starting to feel fat and useless and overly anxious about A levels. I want to do well. But I'm so scared that I won't - especially when people expect me to.
I swear I will try and write something happy to talk about on this blog. I fucking hate it how it's just become a place for me to moan about my life. I think I'm just so fucking tired of this system that we circulate round and round in where every year is just homework and homework and homework and then suddenly BOOM exams and revision and panic and flurry and then the real exams and then you get the long summer of waiting, waiting for results and then you get your exam results and then you go back the next year and do exactly the fucking same thing over again. I'm bored of it. But I need to not be bored of it to actually get anywhere in life. Ugh.
Okay time to stop procrastinating. I'm going to start re-reading the Kite Runner tonight. God help me.
Nemo
Thursday 4 April 2013
The Things I Know For Sure
I've kept off this blog for a while. Which is possibly the most self-indulgent thing I could do; because the reason why I've kept off the blog is because things keep happening: long things, complex things, things that will take a while to explain. Things that I can't really copy and paste. But I suppose I should start off with the things I know for sure. The things that maybe don't need much explaining. So that the human mind, of anybody reading this, who cares for the little nemo author who sits on the internet and battles A levels and depression on the other side of an all too cheerful blogspot template, can fill in the blanks and work out my emotions from there on.
1. My grandad is dead. 17th February 2013.
2. GuyImetatparty has a girlfriend. Who isn't me.
3. I'm over him.
4. One of the above is a lie.
Then onto the more complicated things. I fell out with one of my best friends. Which should have hurt but didn't.
There was a whole paragraph there but I deleted it because there's no correct way to word what happened without making one of us look like we were to blame, and it was neither of our fault. I'm not even saying that to save my own skin.
I don't really know what else to say, apart from the last half term went pretty smoothly. I finally got my shit together and started working hard again, cheered myself up, had my birthday (ups and downs then too), parties, and now I've just started revising for the end of year AS exams. I don't get Psychology but I don't really care much for it.
Went to a university open day - Goldsmiths in London. Definitely not my bag to be honest. Looking at some other places in June.
I will try and write more often. That should hopefully happen seeing as I'm currently on my Easter holidays.
Later
Nemo
1. My grandad is dead. 17th February 2013.
2. GuyImetatparty has a girlfriend. Who isn't me.
3. I'm over him.
4. One of the above is a lie.
Then onto the more complicated things. I fell out with one of my best friends. Which should have hurt but didn't.
There was a whole paragraph there but I deleted it because there's no correct way to word what happened without making one of us look like we were to blame, and it was neither of our fault. I'm not even saying that to save my own skin.
I don't really know what else to say, apart from the last half term went pretty smoothly. I finally got my shit together and started working hard again, cheered myself up, had my birthday (ups and downs then too), parties, and now I've just started revising for the end of year AS exams. I don't get Psychology but I don't really care much for it.
Went to a university open day - Goldsmiths in London. Definitely not my bag to be honest. Looking at some other places in June.
I will try and write more often. That should hopefully happen seeing as I'm currently on my Easter holidays.
Later
Nemo
Wednesday 13 February 2013
Where do I even start with this...
Yesterday was.... I don't think I can describe it in one word, so I'm just gonna write it down in the 5 minutes I have left.
So basically, I was meant to meet up with GuyImetatparty as well as some others in a nearby seaside town yesterday. However, GuyImetatparty cancelled for the 8th time in a row because he promised to see some other girl who was meant to be going to this town with us, too. Which pissed me right off. Psychology was cancelled and I broke down in English Language, so I had to go see the Welfare officer and talk to her for a while. I told her about my step-dad. She told me I should go live with my Dad, which is ridiculous because he lives 300 miles away. I can't just bugger off in the middle of A levels. She also told me that I should go to the doctor and get meds. But I don't want anti-depressants because I know in some cases they make it worse in young people. I have to go see her again today.
I was messaging my friend the whole day and she agreed to get on the same bus when it passed through her town (I no longer had no interest in going with the others to the sea). She didn't say anything when she got on; she just hugged me. And then she said sorry. We tried to rationalise GuyImetatparty's logic, wondering if there was a slightly more evil motive to his actions. We ended up sitting at the park talking for about an hour before she had to go home again. This girl's house is literally just down the road from mine, and just down the road from the park. I ended up sitting there for the next 2 hours, not wanting to go home to my step-dad and his stupid words. I wondered if perhaps GuyImetatparty had driven right past me and not even texted me to say he had.
I got home; thankfully my step-dad wasn't there. I ended up somehow on the floor; I don't know whether I passed out or fell asleep or what. So I lay there crying for a bit and then got in the shower. I couldn't get over the fact that he was just 20 houses down the road and I haven't seen him in months. I texted my other friend and we agreed to turn up at their house. It was snowing by the time we got there.
His face completely lit up when he saw me. We played Halo; he told me I was really good (I'm not). The other girl went completely silent. He continuously apologised. Had to leave after half an hour. Gave me a massively long hug, and I literally clung to him. He said he'd come to my college to see us all soon. I hope he does. I don't think I can go another 2 months without seeing him. Then he had to go. On the way back he texted me about the fact that this girl was apparently in a bad way which is why he'd had to go see her. I forgave him.
Everyone tells me to let him go. That he treats me like shit. But I can't. I called my brother from the kitchen floor and cried down the phone about how I couldn't - I will always like him. Even after today, everyone told me the same advice. But I won't. It's taken me months to get him to trust me enough to let him in; I won't just ditch him like that. Even if it causes me pain, the hug I got from him yesterday made everything worth it.
Anyway, happy V-Day/forever alone day guys. I have to go see the welfare officer again today; I'll let you know how it goes.
Rach
So basically, I was meant to meet up with GuyImetatparty as well as some others in a nearby seaside town yesterday. However, GuyImetatparty cancelled for the 8th time in a row because he promised to see some other girl who was meant to be going to this town with us, too. Which pissed me right off. Psychology was cancelled and I broke down in English Language, so I had to go see the Welfare officer and talk to her for a while. I told her about my step-dad. She told me I should go live with my Dad, which is ridiculous because he lives 300 miles away. I can't just bugger off in the middle of A levels. She also told me that I should go to the doctor and get meds. But I don't want anti-depressants because I know in some cases they make it worse in young people. I have to go see her again today.
I was messaging my friend the whole day and she agreed to get on the same bus when it passed through her town (I no longer had no interest in going with the others to the sea). She didn't say anything when she got on; she just hugged me. And then she said sorry. We tried to rationalise GuyImetatparty's logic, wondering if there was a slightly more evil motive to his actions. We ended up sitting at the park talking for about an hour before she had to go home again. This girl's house is literally just down the road from mine, and just down the road from the park. I ended up sitting there for the next 2 hours, not wanting to go home to my step-dad and his stupid words. I wondered if perhaps GuyImetatparty had driven right past me and not even texted me to say he had.
I got home; thankfully my step-dad wasn't there. I ended up somehow on the floor; I don't know whether I passed out or fell asleep or what. So I lay there crying for a bit and then got in the shower. I couldn't get over the fact that he was just 20 houses down the road and I haven't seen him in months. I texted my other friend and we agreed to turn up at their house. It was snowing by the time we got there.
His face completely lit up when he saw me. We played Halo; he told me I was really good (I'm not). The other girl went completely silent. He continuously apologised. Had to leave after half an hour. Gave me a massively long hug, and I literally clung to him. He said he'd come to my college to see us all soon. I hope he does. I don't think I can go another 2 months without seeing him. Then he had to go. On the way back he texted me about the fact that this girl was apparently in a bad way which is why he'd had to go see her. I forgave him.
Everyone tells me to let him go. That he treats me like shit. But I can't. I called my brother from the kitchen floor and cried down the phone about how I couldn't - I will always like him. Even after today, everyone told me the same advice. But I won't. It's taken me months to get him to trust me enough to let him in; I won't just ditch him like that. Even if it causes me pain, the hug I got from him yesterday made everything worth it.
Anyway, happy V-Day/forever alone day guys. I have to go see the welfare officer again today; I'll let you know how it goes.
Rach
Monday 11 February 2013
A Rather Interesting Weekend
As the title suggests, I had a 'rather interesting' weekend. That's not a euphemism for absolutely terrible - there were some good parts in between, but I spent about 40% of the time in tears.
I suppose I should start with Saturday - the good day, up until the evening. I painted the usual smile on my face as I entered my work place. However, it was soon wiped clean off when I found out that we had to make approximately £1000 by the end of the day. Normally I'd estimate that we earn about £500-700, depending on how busy it is. So it was definitely going to be a challenge - and I didn't want to find out what would happen if we failed.
I learned some things about myself that day. I'm actually a pretty good salesperson. I can talk convincingly if and when I have to. That's not another euphemism for lying or being overly-persuasive - you can't exactly lie when it comes to selling meds; that goes against every moral I have, and I'm pretty sure most people have. Things just... seemed to go right though. That guy who came in to buy the Voltarol, of course, wanted the biggest pack size. The lady who came to buy nail polish remover, of course, would love to have some cotton wall with that thank you. It kind of amazed me. I actually started to enjoy myself by the end of the day. I never thought I'd say that; at 16 work is work, it's meant to give you aspirations to get a better-paid job where you sit at a desk sending emails all day trying to figure out what it is you do, rather than settle for shop work. It's also meant to teach you how to motivate yourself through your most probably middle-class, depressing life. You're not supposed to enjoy it. But somehow, the challenge of having to raise £1000 by the end of the day actually was. Apprentice here I come...
The 'interesting' side to the weekend began late Saturday night. Weary and having changed into the usual afterwork attire of leggings and hoodies I lay, half asleep on my bed, watching an episode of Supernaural. Suddenly out of nowhere, I heard a strange furious murmur begin outside my door. I recognised that mumur - the sharpness of the syllables just said it all. Giving Dean and Sam Winchester a wistful look, I headed over to my door, stumbling right into my step-dad and a full-scale bitch about me. Turned out I'd apparently shut my cat Lilli in the bathroom. By accident. But apparently this was a mistake that shouldn't have happened. Apparently I need to "wake the 'fuck' up if I'm going to get anywhere in life" and I need to "start giving a shit." Keep in mind that this is an argument succeeding about a million others. And a million other things that I really hate, such as him glaring at me like I'm shit on the carpet whenever I get home from college. I ended up screaming at him to 'shut up, shut up' but he wouldn't stop, but I couldn't stop screaming, so I ended up slamming the door in his face and snapping the light off. And then collapsing to the floor crying my eyes out. And nobody came to check on me all night - not my mum, no one. Which sounds self-centered, but I wasn't exactly crying quietly. I started talking to a friend from my old school about what it was like to have a father figure, because my step-dad and I have never exactly had the most wonderful relationship. I ended up crying more and falling asleep on the floor in the fetal position. I wake up at 3am plagued by nightmares so strong I'm paralysed. But just when I thought I was going to go mad, all my friends' faces began to swim in front of my vision. Not physically of course - in the dream playing in my head. As mercilessly as my stepdad's bitching. But my friends helped me. They fought away the dreams. And so I won against the torture of my own mind.
Next day I woke feeling a little more okay. I cried again recounting to one of my best friends what happened, and then I lay in bed a bit moping. After that I put on my brave face and went downstairs and tried to pretend everything was totally normal. I ate lunch. Went back upstairs. Got changed and then went straight out for a run. I ran a whole three miles, trying to push away all the awful memories, focusing on my breathing, the music I was listening to. I felt better when I got back, and dropped off dreamlessly that night.
So yeah, that was my rather interesting weekend. Exercise definitely helps me regain control over my mind - I'm going to have to do it more often, I think ^^ I'm out every night this week too, so hopefully that'll help me avoid my step-dad.
Rach
I suppose I should start with Saturday - the good day, up until the evening. I painted the usual smile on my face as I entered my work place. However, it was soon wiped clean off when I found out that we had to make approximately £1000 by the end of the day. Normally I'd estimate that we earn about £500-700, depending on how busy it is. So it was definitely going to be a challenge - and I didn't want to find out what would happen if we failed.
I learned some things about myself that day. I'm actually a pretty good salesperson. I can talk convincingly if and when I have to. That's not another euphemism for lying or being overly-persuasive - you can't exactly lie when it comes to selling meds; that goes against every moral I have, and I'm pretty sure most people have. Things just... seemed to go right though. That guy who came in to buy the Voltarol, of course, wanted the biggest pack size. The lady who came to buy nail polish remover, of course, would love to have some cotton wall with that thank you. It kind of amazed me. I actually started to enjoy myself by the end of the day. I never thought I'd say that; at 16 work is work, it's meant to give you aspirations to get a better-paid job where you sit at a desk sending emails all day trying to figure out what it is you do, rather than settle for shop work. It's also meant to teach you how to motivate yourself through your most probably middle-class, depressing life. You're not supposed to enjoy it. But somehow, the challenge of having to raise £1000 by the end of the day actually was. Apprentice here I come...
The 'interesting' side to the weekend began late Saturday night. Weary and having changed into the usual afterwork attire of leggings and hoodies I lay, half asleep on my bed, watching an episode of Supernaural. Suddenly out of nowhere, I heard a strange furious murmur begin outside my door. I recognised that mumur - the sharpness of the syllables just said it all. Giving Dean and Sam Winchester a wistful look, I headed over to my door, stumbling right into my step-dad and a full-scale bitch about me. Turned out I'd apparently shut my cat Lilli in the bathroom. By accident. But apparently this was a mistake that shouldn't have happened. Apparently I need to "wake the 'fuck' up if I'm going to get anywhere in life" and I need to "start giving a shit." Keep in mind that this is an argument succeeding about a million others. And a million other things that I really hate, such as him glaring at me like I'm shit on the carpet whenever I get home from college. I ended up screaming at him to 'shut up, shut up' but he wouldn't stop, but I couldn't stop screaming, so I ended up slamming the door in his face and snapping the light off. And then collapsing to the floor crying my eyes out. And nobody came to check on me all night - not my mum, no one. Which sounds self-centered, but I wasn't exactly crying quietly. I started talking to a friend from my old school about what it was like to have a father figure, because my step-dad and I have never exactly had the most wonderful relationship. I ended up crying more and falling asleep on the floor in the fetal position. I wake up at 3am plagued by nightmares so strong I'm paralysed. But just when I thought I was going to go mad, all my friends' faces began to swim in front of my vision. Not physically of course - in the dream playing in my head. As mercilessly as my stepdad's bitching. But my friends helped me. They fought away the dreams. And so I won against the torture of my own mind.
Next day I woke feeling a little more okay. I cried again recounting to one of my best friends what happened, and then I lay in bed a bit moping. After that I put on my brave face and went downstairs and tried to pretend everything was totally normal. I ate lunch. Went back upstairs. Got changed and then went straight out for a run. I ran a whole three miles, trying to push away all the awful memories, focusing on my breathing, the music I was listening to. I felt better when I got back, and dropped off dreamlessly that night.
So yeah, that was my rather interesting weekend. Exercise definitely helps me regain control over my mind - I'm going to have to do it more often, I think ^^ I'm out every night this week too, so hopefully that'll help me avoid my step-dad.
Rach
Saturday 9 February 2013
Some life advice
I want to share some life advice with you all today. Over the past few days, I feel like I've suddenly grown up a lot again. Being the strong one has kind of made all my stress responses kick into gear and as I result I've become so much more efficient.
If there is a guy you like, who potentially likes you back, while the reflex may be to go out, I urge you not to. Because relationships, on the whole, can be so awful. There is a lot of pressure and stress involved. It's not like the movies where everything is sunshine and happiness and roses. You might end up spending all day that you're not talking to them enough, why they're not talking to you more, whether you should go out on a date, whether they're cheating on you, this, that, the other. It makes you afraid to be yourself. In fact, sometimes it can really affect you. These are all things I had with my ex. And then when it ends, because most do, it's extremely difficult to remain friends. When all along you could have just kept your friendship with that guy or girl and been happier. Less pressure to do, say the right thing; be the right person. You have more freedom, too. Not to go make out with other people or talk to other girls/boys - although it's better for your friendships with the opposite gender - but just within yourself.
I still believe that there's a day when I'll find someone who will make me feel free when I'm with them, like properly with them. Maybe it is indeed GuyImetatparty. But right now, I'm not going to lose sleep on it. What matters to me is our friendship. Of course I miss him so much. It's an aching inside of me that doesn't go away; a thrum that will always pull me to him. But I respect the fact that, like me, he is unstable and cannot settle on anything. We are both the same. Maybe one day we will go out and it will be amazing. But I care more about our friendship than I do about some relationship, which might potentially go wrong.
There's some advice for y'all (:
Rach
If there is a guy you like, who potentially likes you back, while the reflex may be to go out, I urge you not to. Because relationships, on the whole, can be so awful. There is a lot of pressure and stress involved. It's not like the movies where everything is sunshine and happiness and roses. You might end up spending all day that you're not talking to them enough, why they're not talking to you more, whether you should go out on a date, whether they're cheating on you, this, that, the other. It makes you afraid to be yourself. In fact, sometimes it can really affect you. These are all things I had with my ex. And then when it ends, because most do, it's extremely difficult to remain friends. When all along you could have just kept your friendship with that guy or girl and been happier. Less pressure to do, say the right thing; be the right person. You have more freedom, too. Not to go make out with other people or talk to other girls/boys - although it's better for your friendships with the opposite gender - but just within yourself.
I still believe that there's a day when I'll find someone who will make me feel free when I'm with them, like properly with them. Maybe it is indeed GuyImetatparty. But right now, I'm not going to lose sleep on it. What matters to me is our friendship. Of course I miss him so much. It's an aching inside of me that doesn't go away; a thrum that will always pull me to him. But I respect the fact that, like me, he is unstable and cannot settle on anything. We are both the same. Maybe one day we will go out and it will be amazing. But I care more about our friendship than I do about some relationship, which might potentially go wrong.
There's some advice for y'all (:
Rach
Wednesday 6 February 2013
A proud moment
I stopped somebody from cutting yesterday. They were feeling low and threatening to self harm so I got them to externalise all that negative energy rather than turn it on themselves. It actually seemed to work, but as my other friend has said, I have to make sure that I inforce that rule. It felt good to help them though. I went through this massive block of not really being able to help people with problems because I was scared of making things worse for them, but then I realised that there's no way I can do that. I've been through self harm myself and out the other side - and my experience gives me the antidote necessary to help others. I've been thinking about cutting again myself, but I've managed to stop myself. I've seen what stuff like that, what that kind of truth does to GuyImetatparty, who is always helping people like that, and I've gained a greater understanding of how that effects me. Plus, cutting would be a step backwards. I don't want to go back to where I was three and a half years ago. So that stops me. And now I use that to help other people. It really seems to work.
Short entry today as I literally have one minute to finish this before I go get ready for college. Wilson goes into surgery today. Wish him luck bros.
Peace
Rach
Short entry today as I literally have one minute to finish this before I go get ready for college. Wilson goes into surgery today. Wish him luck bros.
Peace
Rach
Tuesday 5 February 2013
In Which I Freak Out in a Public Place
Hello again everybody!
I had a pretty good day yesterday, although it's true that I'm absolutely exhausted now as a result. My day started off as freaking awesome - I got a message from GuyImetatparty with a video which I went to go watch in the computer room as soon as I was free. It's called Paper Man and it's a Disney animation, it was literally so cute that I just sat there grinning like an idiot for ages. I messaged him back thanking him for the link and he replied with 'No problem, I literally spent all night looking for videos that would cheer you up'. I actually made some kind of noise expressing cuteness out loud. Rather loudly.. Like, I've never done anything so retarded and lame and girly in my life. I regretted it the moment annoyed student heads turned in my direction, simply burying my head in my arms and trembling half with laughter half with oh-my-goodness-you're-so-cute-dude.
Had English Lit after that (French is irrelevant, it was so dull). During which my teacher got extraordinarily excited about Auden, who seems to be her favourite poet. It was nice though, to see such love towards literature. Kind of inspiring, you know? There are too many teachers out there that just bleat what they know at you, set you homework and push you through your exams and then that's it. You forget everything you ever learned in that class and continue on with your life. My English teacher clearly loves literature so much I can't help but sit there and smile at her. It's like seeing a couple gaze into each other's eyes and smile, if you like. You can almost see the love as a physical thing, and it gives you hope. I've heard Auden is pretty boring too, but I'm hoping my teacher will make it fun.
After that, three of us decided to go to a nearby seaside town and just hang out for the afternoon as we finished all our lessons. Which was okay I guess, apart from the fact that one of them is my ex. Which was... interesting, to say the least. It started off as super awkward and I did genuinely attempt to form some kind of excuse as to why I suddenly couldn't go in my mind, but we were at the station before I knew it and I had no choice. It got better though - we went to go and see the Life of Pi, took pictures on the beach, and wandered around before we went to Nandos and then back home again.
The Life of Pi is, quite literally, a visionary orgasm. The first half an hour is insanely boring - and I would admit that the film doesn't really have much of a plot or much substance until you get to the end, and then boom! The twist happens. And suddenly the last 2 hours are totally worth it. But like I said, it was a visionary orgasm - we saw it in 3D which definitely helped, plus the colours and lights were absolutely amazing <3
So I have to get up now and start getting ready for college. I only have 2 lessons which is a relief as I'm starting to feel pretty tired xD think I'll sleep once I get home :)
Rach
I had a pretty good day yesterday, although it's true that I'm absolutely exhausted now as a result. My day started off as freaking awesome - I got a message from GuyImetatparty with a video which I went to go watch in the computer room as soon as I was free. It's called Paper Man and it's a Disney animation, it was literally so cute that I just sat there grinning like an idiot for ages. I messaged him back thanking him for the link and he replied with 'No problem, I literally spent all night looking for videos that would cheer you up'. I actually made some kind of noise expressing cuteness out loud. Rather loudly.. Like, I've never done anything so retarded and lame and girly in my life. I regretted it the moment annoyed student heads turned in my direction, simply burying my head in my arms and trembling half with laughter half with oh-my-goodness-you're-so-cute-dude.
Had English Lit after that (French is irrelevant, it was so dull). During which my teacher got extraordinarily excited about Auden, who seems to be her favourite poet. It was nice though, to see such love towards literature. Kind of inspiring, you know? There are too many teachers out there that just bleat what they know at you, set you homework and push you through your exams and then that's it. You forget everything you ever learned in that class and continue on with your life. My English teacher clearly loves literature so much I can't help but sit there and smile at her. It's like seeing a couple gaze into each other's eyes and smile, if you like. You can almost see the love as a physical thing, and it gives you hope. I've heard Auden is pretty boring too, but I'm hoping my teacher will make it fun.
After that, three of us decided to go to a nearby seaside town and just hang out for the afternoon as we finished all our lessons. Which was okay I guess, apart from the fact that one of them is my ex. Which was... interesting, to say the least. It started off as super awkward and I did genuinely attempt to form some kind of excuse as to why I suddenly couldn't go in my mind, but we were at the station before I knew it and I had no choice. It got better though - we went to go and see the Life of Pi, took pictures on the beach, and wandered around before we went to Nandos and then back home again.
The Life of Pi is, quite literally, a visionary orgasm. The first half an hour is insanely boring - and I would admit that the film doesn't really have much of a plot or much substance until you get to the end, and then boom! The twist happens. And suddenly the last 2 hours are totally worth it. But like I said, it was a visionary orgasm - we saw it in 3D which definitely helped, plus the colours and lights were absolutely amazing <3
So I have to get up now and start getting ready for college. I only have 2 lessons which is a relief as I'm starting to feel pretty tired xD think I'll sleep once I get home :)
Rach
Monday 4 February 2013
In which I dye my hair
I dip dyed my hair blonde on Sunday in an attempt to fight the usual boredom. And it looks awesome. I didn't really spend that long carefully selecting the bleach - the woman on the box had blonde hair so I'm assuming it did relatively the right thing, and I could afford it without having to plod off to the cash machine and go get some more money out, so I bought it. Naturally I filmed the whole thing and later edited it for YouTube. I did, however, make the small mistake of dying a streak of my hair blonde, too. I aimed for just a small little part of my hair, but instead the strand expanded to form a yellowish layer over the rest of the front of my hair - so now, from the front, because you can't see the rest of my hair, which is brown, it looks like I've badly dyed all of it blonde. Which sucks. I don't actually know if I'm allowed it at work or not yet, but if not, well, it's not up to them what I do with my hair. And if they're going to send me home for it, then I'm leaving. There's so much crazy stuff I want to do with my hair that cannot concern them. It's my body after all.
My friend Mikaela and I completely lost the desire to go home yesterday. Literally as I got off the bus, these awful waves of dread began to wash over me - I'm sick of coming home to a house containing only my bullying step-father, being pissed off by the time I go upstairs and then sitting in a cold room writing essays. It's awful. So we bought some food from a nearby shop and sat in the park until it got too dark and cold to continue on with our lack of desire to go home. My excuse to my step-dad was that I missed the bus. He sent back 'Ok.' Note the full stop at the end there. Mikaela's Mum? Okay honey xxxxxxx. I don't think I need to say anymore.
When I finally got home, however, there was bad news waiting for me. My dog, Wilson, has a tumour on his leg. We're not sure if it's cancerous yet; he's having surgery on Thursday so I guess we'll find out soon enough. It's funny; I used to sigh and roll my eyes when I saw him. I always used to find him an annoying little shit, always so full of energy and hope and happiness when to be honest, I haven't really had any of those things. I suppose I was a little bit jealous of his precious little world. But seeing him lying there, exhausted, and then later on, seeing him roll around on the floor, completely oblivious to the world outside and what was wrong with him, brought tears burning into the backs of my eyes. I sat there clinging on to him for a while. He's not even a year old yet.
There's so much pain and loss and change in my life right now. So many things to worry about, to watch pass by, to mourn for. My Mum sits there crying and is hardly there mentally right now because she's on teacher placement and it is quite literally killing her; she can't cope with the strain and I don't blame her. My step-dad is, to be honest, no use to anyone. All he does is shout and bully and get overly defensive. My brother's away in uni. So I'm the one who has to be strong right now. I'm holding up okay. Despite the insomnia. But it means I get to talk to GuyImetatparty and he helps a lot. But I promised myself I would be strong. So here I go.
Rach
My friend Mikaela and I completely lost the desire to go home yesterday. Literally as I got off the bus, these awful waves of dread began to wash over me - I'm sick of coming home to a house containing only my bullying step-father, being pissed off by the time I go upstairs and then sitting in a cold room writing essays. It's awful. So we bought some food from a nearby shop and sat in the park until it got too dark and cold to continue on with our lack of desire to go home. My excuse to my step-dad was that I missed the bus. He sent back 'Ok.' Note the full stop at the end there. Mikaela's Mum? Okay honey xxxxxxx. I don't think I need to say anymore.
When I finally got home, however, there was bad news waiting for me. My dog, Wilson, has a tumour on his leg. We're not sure if it's cancerous yet; he's having surgery on Thursday so I guess we'll find out soon enough. It's funny; I used to sigh and roll my eyes when I saw him. I always used to find him an annoying little shit, always so full of energy and hope and happiness when to be honest, I haven't really had any of those things. I suppose I was a little bit jealous of his precious little world. But seeing him lying there, exhausted, and then later on, seeing him roll around on the floor, completely oblivious to the world outside and what was wrong with him, brought tears burning into the backs of my eyes. I sat there clinging on to him for a while. He's not even a year old yet.
There's so much pain and loss and change in my life right now. So many things to worry about, to watch pass by, to mourn for. My Mum sits there crying and is hardly there mentally right now because she's on teacher placement and it is quite literally killing her; she can't cope with the strain and I don't blame her. My step-dad is, to be honest, no use to anyone. All he does is shout and bully and get overly defensive. My brother's away in uni. So I'm the one who has to be strong right now. I'm holding up okay. Despite the insomnia. But it means I get to talk to GuyImetatparty and he helps a lot. But I promised myself I would be strong. So here I go.
Rach
Sunday 3 February 2013
In Which I Write Essays Compulsively
Hello again everybody!
It's been another few weeks since I've last written - I've literally been so busy with A levels I don't even know where to begin! However, I am making great progress with guyImetatparty! He's been having a lot of difficulties with trust but last Friday he had a dream about me - and I'm the first person he's let into his dreams for months. He also called me special 'n stuff, which was amazing and really touched me :') I proceeded to fall over backwards and stare at my ceiling, making a very strange noise. I'm glad I'm persevering with him. I genuinely want to help him, and it feels like maybe, just maybe, I might be doing that, plus I like him a lot. We haven't met up in almost 9 weeks, granted, but I'm sure we'll find the time again soon.
My insomnia is still here, but I don't really see a problem with it to be honest. I don't feel like I need the sleep during the week, and I have Tues + Wed afternoons off so I can sleep then if I want to - plus I often sleep for like 12 hours at the weekend so I'm not complaining :P And I get to have really good conversations with guyImetatparty at the same time :) Sometimes I worry if I'm being annoying. I'm really, really good at convincing myself that nobody likes me xD but I'm hoping he'll say something if I get too annoying.
I've been relapsing with depression a little bit too. Nothing major - just stress about A levels. I've been writing essays and doing coursework in every single one of my subjects! And one of my friends, who I walk to college with every day, may have to retake her first year already and it's only February, which is somewhat terrifying. The teachers are telling us to start revising now, when I don't really see the point to be honest. We have a whole five months until our exams, and if I start now I know I'll be bored rigid by the time I get to May and June. I'll probably start to do something after half term though :) not serious revision, but juts recapping and finding a place for it in my head.My memory problems are worsening which doesn't help, but I blame the depression/lack of sleep/stress about college more than anything. But yesterday, I felt like I was waking up a little for the first time in terms of depression. I've been kind of closing myself off from everyone in the last few weeks, but yesterday I felt a little more open than I have before. So I have hope :)
We have 2 weeks 'till half term. Already started to make plans for our jaunts which is nice. It seems like I'll be spending most of it in a seaside town nearby, which I can't complain about because I love it there.
Anyway, I'm going to go and start looking at universities as my friends are already applying and booking open days!! Aaah!
It's been another few weeks since I've last written - I've literally been so busy with A levels I don't even know where to begin! However, I am making great progress with guyImetatparty! He's been having a lot of difficulties with trust but last Friday he had a dream about me - and I'm the first person he's let into his dreams for months. He also called me special 'n stuff, which was amazing and really touched me :') I proceeded to fall over backwards and stare at my ceiling, making a very strange noise. I'm glad I'm persevering with him. I genuinely want to help him, and it feels like maybe, just maybe, I might be doing that, plus I like him a lot. We haven't met up in almost 9 weeks, granted, but I'm sure we'll find the time again soon.
My insomnia is still here, but I don't really see a problem with it to be honest. I don't feel like I need the sleep during the week, and I have Tues + Wed afternoons off so I can sleep then if I want to - plus I often sleep for like 12 hours at the weekend so I'm not complaining :P And I get to have really good conversations with guyImetatparty at the same time :) Sometimes I worry if I'm being annoying. I'm really, really good at convincing myself that nobody likes me xD but I'm hoping he'll say something if I get too annoying.
I've been relapsing with depression a little bit too. Nothing major - just stress about A levels. I've been writing essays and doing coursework in every single one of my subjects! And one of my friends, who I walk to college with every day, may have to retake her first year already and it's only February, which is somewhat terrifying. The teachers are telling us to start revising now, when I don't really see the point to be honest. We have a whole five months until our exams, and if I start now I know I'll be bored rigid by the time I get to May and June. I'll probably start to do something after half term though :) not serious revision, but juts recapping and finding a place for it in my head.My memory problems are worsening which doesn't help, but I blame the depression/lack of sleep/stress about college more than anything. But yesterday, I felt like I was waking up a little for the first time in terms of depression. I've been kind of closing myself off from everyone in the last few weeks, but yesterday I felt a little more open than I have before. So I have hope :)
We have 2 weeks 'till half term. Already started to make plans for our jaunts which is nice. It seems like I'll be spending most of it in a seaside town nearby, which I can't complain about because I love it there.
Anyway, I'm going to go and start looking at universities as my friends are already applying and booking open days!! Aaah!
Sunday 20 January 2013
In Which Everything Changes
I feel absolutely terrible. One because I'm currently nursing a particularly nasty cold and two, because I haven't written in almost 4 months and so much has happened and changed that it makes me feel rather sick to think about all the things I have to write about to catch up with myself. I suppose I'll take it month by month.
October 2012
I was invited to a party on the 3rd November following the impression I made on the people I met the night I last wrote about on 29th September. I wasn't entirely sure why - I considered myself to be an uninteresting, socially awkward teenage girl who didn't really fit in with the friendship group she'd found herself in at college. None the less I set my status on the event as 'attending' and put it out of my mind; I had a whole month to try and find the confidence to go.
Had an amazing half term with my old friends from my previous school, in which our lives were changed forever by the amazingness that is MCM Expo. We also had a cosplay photo shoot and plenty of band practice, which was really fun. Towards the end of the week, however, it turned into November, and I panickingly realised that the party I'd been invited to was approaching.
November 2012
So I plucked up the courage to go to the party. It was my first proper alcohol thing, so armed with two ciders and wearing my Iron Man cosplay (it was a fancy dress party), I knocked on the door and stood awkwardly in the corner for a while; I'd arrived half an hour late, and as a result everyone else was drunk, and I wasn't. So I chugged the ciders, and in my desperation also consumed quite a lot of vodka in response to a suggestion made by the only girl I really knew there. Within about 15 minutes I was completely off my face. I proceeded to go and play guitar with some boys I didn't even know, get off with one of them, and then go round giving people free hugs. I think this was the moment when everything changed. In my drunken state I saw a strange mop of bright red hair, and jumped straight to conclusions that it was Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance, and hugged this mysterious stranger very tightly. As I did my arc reactor went off with the usual Tony Stark sounds. Said stranger then exclaimed, "You're Iron Man!" So we were best friends right away; he looking like the singer from one of my favourite bands, me dressed as his favourite superhero. When I woke up the next morning we were friends on Facebook. A few hours later I plucked up the courage to message him with just the usual 'Hey, it was great meeting you last night, sorry about all the free hugs' etc etc, I didn't expect him to reply, but he did. We talked pretty much all day about the usual stuff, like what schools we both went to, what year we were in, et cetera. Ended up finding out we have a lot in common. A few days later, I started another conversation. We talked again about a load of stuff. After that I thought "Well, he's a nice guy, but I'm probably getting annoying so I'll leave it like a week before we talk again." Amazingly, 2 days later he started the conversation. We talked again. I told him about random boy problems I was having. He said he wanted to see me again. I invited him to a trip myself, some college friends and some other people from the party at the start of November were going to. He came. We got on as well in real life and sober as we did on the internet and/or drunk. Neither of us wanted to go home afterwards.
December 2012
Another eventful month. Arranged to meet up with guyImetatparty on the 4th, but he told me on the day unexpectedly he couldn't go. He then wasn't online for 2 days. I genuinely thought I'd scared him away. Cue two day depression. He came back online after 2 days and I caved in and told him I liked him. He told me he liked me back, but there was complications as to why we couldn't go out. We arranged to meet up again, he cancelled again. By this point, it was getting towards the end of December. Cue one of my best college friends' parties. During this party, one of my guy college friends told me he had a massive crush on me. In my depressed about GuyImetatparty/drunk state I got off with him and changed my relationship status. Cue awkward 3 day relationship with college guy. Dumped him. Lost about 14% of my self-esteem because of my stupidity and loneliness. Interesting drunk phone call with GuyImetatparty on New Years Eve in which I remember nothing about apart from the fact that it was 10 minutes long and I talked to his friend for some of it.
January 2013
More insanity of trying to meet up with GuyImetatparty and failing. I haven't seen him for 7 weeks. It's awkward between my ex and me. But there is occasionally pudding and GuyImetatparty and I are quite close now. Like, we have these awesome late-night DMCs as I've recently developed insomnia, and he's an insomniac anyway so. He watches my YouTube videos. I'm trying to get him to join deviantART. The usual insanity of teenage nerds really.
There's your catchup on the last few months. They've been... eventful to say the least XD
October 2012
I was invited to a party on the 3rd November following the impression I made on the people I met the night I last wrote about on 29th September. I wasn't entirely sure why - I considered myself to be an uninteresting, socially awkward teenage girl who didn't really fit in with the friendship group she'd found herself in at college. None the less I set my status on the event as 'attending' and put it out of my mind; I had a whole month to try and find the confidence to go.
Had an amazing half term with my old friends from my previous school, in which our lives were changed forever by the amazingness that is MCM Expo. We also had a cosplay photo shoot and plenty of band practice, which was really fun. Towards the end of the week, however, it turned into November, and I panickingly realised that the party I'd been invited to was approaching.
November 2012
So I plucked up the courage to go to the party. It was my first proper alcohol thing, so armed with two ciders and wearing my Iron Man cosplay (it was a fancy dress party), I knocked on the door and stood awkwardly in the corner for a while; I'd arrived half an hour late, and as a result everyone else was drunk, and I wasn't. So I chugged the ciders, and in my desperation also consumed quite a lot of vodka in response to a suggestion made by the only girl I really knew there. Within about 15 minutes I was completely off my face. I proceeded to go and play guitar with some boys I didn't even know, get off with one of them, and then go round giving people free hugs. I think this was the moment when everything changed. In my drunken state I saw a strange mop of bright red hair, and jumped straight to conclusions that it was Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance, and hugged this mysterious stranger very tightly. As I did my arc reactor went off with the usual Tony Stark sounds. Said stranger then exclaimed, "You're Iron Man!" So we were best friends right away; he looking like the singer from one of my favourite bands, me dressed as his favourite superhero. When I woke up the next morning we were friends on Facebook. A few hours later I plucked up the courage to message him with just the usual 'Hey, it was great meeting you last night, sorry about all the free hugs' etc etc, I didn't expect him to reply, but he did. We talked pretty much all day about the usual stuff, like what schools we both went to, what year we were in, et cetera. Ended up finding out we have a lot in common. A few days later, I started another conversation. We talked again about a load of stuff. After that I thought "Well, he's a nice guy, but I'm probably getting annoying so I'll leave it like a week before we talk again." Amazingly, 2 days later he started the conversation. We talked again. I told him about random boy problems I was having. He said he wanted to see me again. I invited him to a trip myself, some college friends and some other people from the party at the start of November were going to. He came. We got on as well in real life and sober as we did on the internet and/or drunk. Neither of us wanted to go home afterwards.
December 2012
Another eventful month. Arranged to meet up with guyImetatparty on the 4th, but he told me on the day unexpectedly he couldn't go. He then wasn't online for 2 days. I genuinely thought I'd scared him away. Cue two day depression. He came back online after 2 days and I caved in and told him I liked him. He told me he liked me back, but there was complications as to why we couldn't go out. We arranged to meet up again, he cancelled again. By this point, it was getting towards the end of December. Cue one of my best college friends' parties. During this party, one of my guy college friends told me he had a massive crush on me. In my depressed about GuyImetatparty/drunk state I got off with him and changed my relationship status. Cue awkward 3 day relationship with college guy. Dumped him. Lost about 14% of my self-esteem because of my stupidity and loneliness. Interesting drunk phone call with GuyImetatparty on New Years Eve in which I remember nothing about apart from the fact that it was 10 minutes long and I talked to his friend for some of it.
January 2013
More insanity of trying to meet up with GuyImetatparty and failing. I haven't seen him for 7 weeks. It's awkward between my ex and me. But there is occasionally pudding and GuyImetatparty and I are quite close now. Like, we have these awesome late-night DMCs as I've recently developed insomnia, and he's an insomniac anyway so. He watches my YouTube videos. I'm trying to get him to join deviantART. The usual insanity of teenage nerds really.
There's your catchup on the last few months. They've been... eventful to say the least XD
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