In which I dye my hair

I dip dyed my hair blonde on Sunday in an attempt to fight the usual boredom. And it looks awesome. I didn't really spend that long carefully selecting the bleach - the woman on the box had blonde hair so I'm assuming it did relatively the right thing, and I could afford it without having to plod off to the cash machine and go get some more money out, so I bought it. Naturally I filmed the whole thing and later edited it for YouTube. I did, however, make the small mistake of dying a streak of my hair blonde, too. I aimed for just a small little part of my hair, but instead the strand expanded to form a yellowish layer over the rest of the front of my hair - so now, from the front, because you can't see the rest of my hair, which is brown, it looks like I've badly dyed all of it blonde. Which sucks. I don't actually know if I'm allowed it at work or not yet, but if not, well, it's not up to them what I do with my hair. And if they're going to send me home for it, then I'm leaving. There's so much crazy stuff I want to do with my hair that cannot concern them. It's my body after all.

My friend Mikaela and I completely lost the desire to go home yesterday. Literally as I got off the bus, these awful waves of dread began to wash over me - I'm sick of coming home to a house containing only my bullying step-father, being pissed off by the time I go upstairs and then sitting in a cold room writing essays. It's awful. So we bought some food from a nearby shop and sat in the park until it got too dark and cold to continue on with our lack of desire to go home. My excuse to my step-dad was that I missed the bus. He sent back 'Ok.' Note the full stop at the end there. Mikaela's Mum? Okay honey xxxxxxx. I don't think I need to say anymore.

When I finally got home, however, there was bad news waiting for me. My dog, Wilson, has a tumour on his leg. We're not sure if it's cancerous yet; he's having surgery on Thursday so I guess we'll find out soon enough. It's funny; I used to sigh and roll my eyes when I saw him. I always used to find him an annoying little shit, always so full of energy and hope and happiness when to be honest, I haven't really had any of those things. I suppose I was a little bit jealous of his precious little world. But seeing him lying there, exhausted, and then later on, seeing him roll around on the floor, completely oblivious to the world outside and what was wrong with him, brought tears burning into the backs of my eyes. I sat there clinging on to him for a while. He's not even a year old yet.

There's so much pain and loss and change in my life right now. So many things to worry about, to watch pass by, to mourn for. My Mum sits there crying and is hardly there mentally right now because she's on teacher placement and it is quite literally killing her; she can't cope with the strain and I don't blame her. My step-dad is, to be honest, no use to anyone. All he does is shout and bully and get overly defensive. My brother's away in uni. So I'm the one who has to be strong right now. I'm holding up okay. Despite the insomnia. But it means I get to talk to GuyImetatparty and he helps a lot. But I promised myself I would be strong. So here I go.
Rach

In Which I Write Essays Compulsively

Hello again everybody!
It's been another few weeks since I've last written - I've literally been so busy with A levels I don't even know where to begin! However, I am making great progress with guyImetatparty! He's been having a lot of difficulties with trust but last Friday he had a dream about me - and I'm the first person he's let into his dreams for months. He also called me special 'n stuff, which was amazing and really touched me :') I proceeded to fall over backwards and stare at my ceiling, making a very strange noise. I'm glad I'm persevering with him. I genuinely want to help him, and it feels like maybe, just maybe, I might be doing that, plus I like him a lot. We haven't met up in almost 9 weeks, granted, but I'm sure we'll find the time again soon.

My insomnia is still here, but I don't really see a problem with it to be honest. I don't feel like I need the sleep during the week, and I have Tues + Wed afternoons off so I can sleep then if I want to - plus I often sleep for like 12 hours at the weekend so I'm not complaining :P And I get to have really good conversations with guyImetatparty at the same time :) Sometimes I worry if I'm being annoying. I'm really, really good at convincing myself that nobody likes me xD but I'm hoping he'll say something if I get too annoying.

I've been relapsing with depression a little bit too. Nothing major - just stress about A levels. I've been writing essays and doing coursework in every single one of my subjects! And one of my friends, who I walk to college with every day, may have to retake her first year already and it's only February, which is somewhat terrifying. The teachers are telling us to start revising now, when I don't really see the point to be honest. We have a whole five months until our exams, and if I start now I know I'll be bored rigid by the time I get to May and June. I'll probably start to do something after half term though :) not serious revision, but juts recapping and finding a place for it in my head.My memory problems are worsening which doesn't help, but I blame the depression/lack of sleep/stress about college more than anything. But yesterday, I felt like I was waking up a little for the first time in terms of depression. I've been kind of closing myself off from everyone in the last few weeks, but yesterday I felt a little more open than I have before. So I have hope :)

We have 2 weeks 'till half term. Already started to make plans for our jaunts which is nice. It seems like I'll be spending most of it in a seaside town nearby, which I can't complain about because I love it there.

Anyway, I'm going to go and start looking at universities as my friends are already applying and booking open days!! Aaah!

In Which Everything Changes

I feel absolutely terrible. One because I'm currently nursing a particularly nasty cold and two, because I haven't written in almost 4 months and so much has happened and changed that it makes me feel rather sick to think about all the things I have to write about to catch up with myself. I suppose I'll take it month by month.

October 2012
I was invited to a party on the 3rd November following the impression I made on the people I met the night I last wrote about on 29th September. I wasn't entirely sure why - I considered myself to be an uninteresting, socially awkward teenage girl who didn't really fit in with the friendship group she'd found herself in at college. None the less I set my status on the event as 'attending' and put it out of my mind; I had a whole month to try and find the confidence to go.

Had an amazing half term with my old friends from my previous school, in which our lives were changed forever by the amazingness that is MCM Expo. We also had a cosplay photo shoot and plenty of band practice, which was really fun. Towards the end of the week, however, it turned into November, and I panickingly realised that the party I'd been invited to was approaching.

November 2012
So I plucked up the courage to go to the party. It was my first proper alcohol thing, so armed with two ciders and wearing my Iron Man cosplay (it was a fancy dress party), I knocked on the door and stood awkwardly in the corner for a while; I'd arrived half an hour late, and as a result everyone else was drunk, and I wasn't. So I chugged the ciders, and in my desperation also consumed quite a lot of vodka in response to a suggestion made by the only girl I really knew there. Within about 15 minutes I was completely off my face. I proceeded to go and play guitar with some boys I didn't even know, get off with one of them, and then go round giving people free hugs. I think this was the moment when everything changed. In my drunken state I saw a strange mop of bright red hair, and jumped straight to conclusions that it was Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance, and hugged this mysterious stranger very tightly. As I did my arc reactor went off with the usual Tony Stark sounds. Said stranger then exclaimed, "You're Iron Man!" So we were best friends right away; he looking like the singer from one of my favourite bands, me dressed as his favourite superhero. When I woke up the next morning we were friends on Facebook. A few hours later I plucked up the courage to message him with just the usual 'Hey, it was great meeting you last night, sorry about all the free hugs' etc etc, I didn't expect him to reply, but he did. We talked pretty much all day about the usual stuff, like what schools we both went to, what year we were in, et cetera. Ended up finding out we have a lot in common. A few days later, I started another conversation. We talked again about a load of stuff. After that I thought "Well, he's a nice guy, but I'm probably getting annoying so I'll leave it like a week before we talk again." Amazingly, 2 days later he started the conversation. We talked again. I told him about random boy problems I was having. He said he wanted to see me again. I invited him to a trip myself, some college friends and some other people from the party at the start of November were going to. He came. We got on as well in real life and sober as we did on the internet and/or drunk. Neither of us wanted to go home afterwards.

December 2012
Another eventful month. Arranged to meet up with guyImetatparty on the 4th, but he told me on the day unexpectedly he couldn't go. He then wasn't online for 2 days. I genuinely thought I'd scared him away. Cue two day depression. He came back online after 2 days and I caved in and told him I liked him. He told me he liked me back, but there was complications as to why we couldn't go out. We arranged to meet up again, he cancelled again. By this point, it was getting towards the end of December. Cue one of my best college friends' parties. During this party, one of my guy college friends told me he had a massive crush on me. In my depressed about GuyImetatparty/drunk state I got off with him and changed my relationship status. Cue awkward 3 day relationship with college guy. Dumped him. Lost about 14% of my self-esteem because of my stupidity and loneliness. Interesting drunk phone call with GuyImetatparty on New Years Eve in which I remember nothing about apart from the fact that it was 10 minutes long and I talked to his friend for some of it.

January 2013
More insanity of trying to meet up with GuyImetatparty and failing. I haven't seen him for 7 weeks. It's awkward between my ex and me. But there is occasionally pudding and GuyImetatparty and I are quite close now. Like, we have these awesome late-night DMCs as I've recently developed insomnia, and he's an insomniac anyway so. He watches my YouTube videos. I'm trying to get him to join deviantART. The usual insanity of teenage nerds really.

There's your catchup on the last few months. They've been... eventful to say the least XD

Doth Mother Know you Weareth Her Drapes

Hello again everybody!!
Last night was freaking awesome. The usual darkness didn't seem nearly so threatening as I lay in the shrubbery, gazing blearily up at the night sky and shouting, "Doth mother know you weareth her drapes?" at the top of my voice. Around me, the sounds of other happy teenagers rang out through the air. It was freezing cold, but I hadn't yet felt it. A few minutes later, and suddenly we're all diving and dodging through the undergrowth slightly drunkenly as one of our friends suggests that we have a race to see who can get to the other edge of the field after spinning for 30 seconds. It's harder than it sounds. I still managed to win though.

I had work again today. Although I was exhausted, I still really enjoy it, so spent a quiet day working with customers to find out what was wrong with them and what products they needed. I did a bit of helping out in the dispensary in the afternoon, and then plodded on home where I prepared myself for Doctor Who.

The rumours are true: this week's Doctor Who is most definitely a tear-jerker!! I spent 15 minutes afterwards crying solidly after Amy and Rory's sudden but well-anticipated departure from the show. It was just so sad, but so inspiring to see how Amy Pond has changed so much since the beginning of season 5, where she was simply 'the girl who waited'. Now, it's clear how much she loves Rory, putting him first over the Raggedy Doctor, her childhood friend. I suppose this is what made me cry the most. I'm glad there was a relatively happy ending though. Now officially can't wait for the Christmas special!! :D

I spent some time skyping with my friends today as well. One of which is an internet friend who I am incredibly close to. She's one of those rare people who I've never doubted could be a genuine teenager on the internet, and I've been right - we've spoken on webcam and everything. We spent most of the time with coathangers on our heads (long story) and then a few of my RL friends joined so we went on a site where everybody can draw on the screen, and then sat around working on some stuff independently: two of my friends were drawing, I was surfing the internet, and my other friend went to bed.

That's pretty much all I did today. I apologise for how boring everything must sound: I think tomorrow I'll write a blog post on some genuine tips about something.
Peace!
Rach

Triple English

I totally forgot to write yesterday - which is justifiable seeing as I didn't actually get in until half eleven last night, and then I had to go in to college to double check that I could drop Pre-U. Yesterday was pretty fun - we spent most of second period performing a quiet medley of loads of random songs, most of which I didn't know because they were from the 60s and 70s and stuff, but it was still fun. I have a friend who can do a really good Tenacious D impression which is pretty awesome :') normally Thursday is pizza day, but it was pouring with rain (again) and none of us wanted to go out so we stayed in.

I had triple English after this. Triple English I tell you. I bet you can't think of anything worse haha :P I had an hour of Language and then two hours of Literature, with 40 minutes of a breaktime in between. It wasn't too bad though - in Language all we really did was analyse a film review, but Literature was much harder work. By the end of the day I was exhausted, but pottered off to the train station and found my way into town to meet up with my friends from outside college. I love these guys so much - they're the handful of friends I have who I can totally and 100% be myself around. Like, I can say anything and they won't mind at all, it's awesome :) We saw Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark in IMAX, and then went to Pizza Hut. I'd never seen ROTLA before, and it wasn't completely my thing, but it was still really cool. The service at Pizza Hut was absolutely terrible though - the waiter kept forgetting about us. We actually had to go up and directly ask for cutlery when everybody else around us was given some, we also had to ask if we could pay the bill and if we could have a card machine, too :/ They wouldn't even let my friend get a discount when she works at the Pizza Hut takeaway branch just across the road. But the food was pretty good :)

So this morning, I blearily-eyed forced myself onto a bus at 8:30 in the morning and then off again once we got to college, before putting my points across to a supervisor about why I wanted to drop Pre-U. She first of all suggested that I should drop Psychology and do Lit, Lang, French and Pre-U, but that didn't seem to make much sense to me, doing 3 A-levels and then an extended diploma thing. I managed to convince her to let me drop Pre-U though, and she graciously accepted my decision. I'm just worried about the workload, 'tis all. I'd rather get my A-levels than worry about learning skills for uni now - and it's more or less essay writing and presentations, which isn't the main focus of Modern Languages, which is my strength. Afterwards I got back onto another bus, and well, here I am.

I'm meeting up with college friends in an hour. No idea what we're doing, but I'll probably write a post later on :D
Peace!
Rach

The rain continues...

Once again, it rained all day today, and there wasn't a single sign of a rainbow to act as a balm against the moody clouds that loomed overhead. Thankfully, I managed to find an umbrella so I didn't get too wet, but that didn't stop it from being cold and miserable. Good ol' Britain.

I started off the day with Psychology. Not much really happened - we watched a really interesting programme on Clive Wearing: the man with the seven second memory. It was both fascinating and incredibly saddening at the same time - the only person he recognises is his wife, and during the interview, he actually forgot why exactly it was he was being interviewed quite a few times. I'm definitely going to watch the rest of it at some point.

After Psychology, my friend and I headed to the Common Room where for once, our whole gang was together for all of twenty minutes. The thing about college is that people come and go all the time - if you don't have classes for the rest of the day, you go home. This means that your relationships with people are a lot less tangent than they are in a school or sixth form environment - which I kinda like, but it's great when we're all together. :) After a pretty fun breaktime I pottered off to English Language, where we were doing 'Introduction to Creative Writing'. This caused a small, sarcastic smile to settle on my face and remain there for the whole lesson. I've been writing novels and stories and goodness knows what else since the age of 5; the skill is no stranger to me. It was pretty cool to see how teachers present writing to teenagers who have probably never even put pen to paper with such a purpose before. The lesson was pretty relaxing though, and I enjoyed adding a subtle reference to Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson in one of the short stories we were asked to write.

Next up was my final lesson of Pre-U. We didn't actually end up doing any work - by the time the teacher had explained what to do, half the lesson was gone, then he handed out homework and wanted to talk to all of us who were thinking of dropping it. Of course, he tried to convince us to stay. My reasons were: I was worried about the workload; I didn't actually have time for French oral practice, which I need; I want to have time for creative outlets, such as writing and making my YouTube videos, and I wanted to keep my part time job. He did try to change my mind by telling me about a girl who submitted a portfolio of creative writing some years ago for her independent research project, but something didn't seem right to me, considering the fact that most others do 15 minute long presentations on whether giving to charity is the right thing or essays on international relations.

It poured with rain as we plodded back off to the bus stop, taking it slowly considering the fact that we had a whole hour to kill before the bus came. As the rain intensified a familiar melancholy tune suddenly drifted unconsciously from my lips - and it wasn't long before my two friends joined me: 'Summer has come and passed, the innocence can never last, wake me up when September ends...' None of us are particularly wonderful singers, so it was definitely a very monotonous drone, but I suppose we gave it good gusto. We took refuge in the Chinese takeaway for a while, and thankfully the rain stopped long enough for us to wait the last five minutes for the bus and then get on it.

Ever since then, I've been doing what I always do: homework, study, reading and now I'm going to host a small Heroes marathon for myself. Tomorrow should be a more interesting day to blog about, as I'm meeting up with some friends and we're going to see Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark in IMAX, which I've never seen before. It's also Pizza Day - more shall be explained tomorrow!! I also get Friday off so that should be fun, too :)

Peace!
Rach

Four shots of caffeine later...

There's only one way I can really describe today: wet. The rain seemed to follow me right from my front doorstep all the way to college and then back again - although on the bright side I did see about three rainbows which was pretty cool :P the worst thing was, was that I was wearing denim jeans and shoes that weren't waterproof, nor did I have an umbrella. Which meant that I spent most of today walking around with goosebumps permanently embedded into my skin. It was an interesting day though.

I only have two lessons on Tuesdays: French and English Literature. French was the same as it usually is, although I reached the conclusion that I'm going to have to drop Pre-U because I can't actually fit French oral practice onto my timetable :/ I mean, I have frees, but not enough to fit in with the teacher's timetable and everybody else's. I'm not particularly bothered though - Pre-U is a muddle of essays, presentations and discussions about affairs that, although I know are important, aren't something that particularly interests me, or my life revolves around. It more seems to be centered towards those who are going for a degree at either Oxbridge or in a humanities-based subject such as Politics, Economics, Law, et cetera. This also means that I wouldn't have to get up early on a Friday morning, I'd get to go home earlier on Wednesdays, and I'd also have a double free on Monday, which is nice :) also it means I'll get to keep my job without getting worried about not keeping up with schoolwork. It's not official yet though - I have to go and argue my case on Friday. Should be okay though.

So after an hour of French and frustration about my timetable, I had English Lit, where we tore apart Orsino's first speech in Twelfth Night: 'If music be the food of love, play on.' I have to say, I absolutely love Shakespeare, and got really into it. The teacher seemed really impressed with me as well :D afterwards, I met up with my friends in the canteen and we had lunch, and after that, my friend and I battled our way through the rain to get home. Thankfully, my friend had actually taken an umbrella to school, so we remained mostly dry for half the time. Whilst under the safety of an artifical canopy, it's easy to laugh at those around us who aren't so fortunate - although I'll probably be in the same predicament tomorrow as I was this morning, as I don't think I actually own an umbrella.

I then proceeded to spend an hour in Starbucks with one of my old school friend's boyfriends. Sounds a lot more 'cheeky' than it actually was - I don't really know him that well, so we spent the hour actually learning some things about each other, i.e. what A levels we are doing. Also, I'm completely socially awkward around most boys so there was no way in heck anything could have happened between us, even if I'd tried. It didn't help that my frappucino kept leaking everywhere, too, so I ended up even colder and now stickier than I had been before. I finally met my friend, and we walked into town before it started raining again. We then proceeded to spend the next hour in Waterstones, Boots and then Cafe Nero, where I had yet more caffeine. Add that to my frappucino and the two pepsi max cans I had earlier at college and, well, that's a lot of caffeine. Although to be fair I was exhausted; Monday is pretty much a full day of lessons, and I had a pretty eventful dream at an airport during the night so :P after a while I caught the bus home, and by this point it was freezing cold and getting dark so my Mum very graciously picked me up from the bus stop :)

That concludes my day. Since then I've been doing some extra study and now I'm going to start reading the 1,000 page long complete works of Sherlock Holmes because I'm just that boring.
Peace!
Rach