As the title suggests, I had a 'rather interesting' weekend. That's not a euphemism for absolutely terrible - there were some good parts in between, but I spent about 40% of the time in tears.
I suppose I should start with Saturday - the good day, up until the evening. I painted the usual smile on my face as I entered my work place. However, it was soon wiped clean off when I found out that we had to make approximately £1000 by the end of the day. Normally I'd estimate that we earn about £500-700, depending on how busy it is. So it was definitely going to be a challenge - and I didn't want to find out what would happen if we failed.
I learned some things about myself that day. I'm actually a pretty good salesperson. I can talk convincingly if and when I have to. That's not another euphemism for lying or being overly-persuasive - you can't exactly lie when it comes to selling meds; that goes against every moral I have, and I'm pretty sure most people have. Things just... seemed to go right though. That guy who came in to buy the Voltarol, of course, wanted the biggest pack size. The lady who came to buy nail polish remover, of course, would love to have some cotton wall with that thank you. It kind of amazed me. I actually started to enjoy myself by the end of the day. I never thought I'd say that; at 16 work is work, it's meant to give you aspirations to get a better-paid job where you sit at a desk sending emails all day trying to figure out what it is you do, rather than settle for shop work. It's also meant to teach you how to motivate yourself through your most probably middle-class, depressing life. You're not supposed to enjoy it. But somehow, the challenge of having to raise £1000 by the end of the day actually was. Apprentice here I come...
The 'interesting' side to the weekend began late Saturday night. Weary and having changed into the usual afterwork attire of leggings and hoodies I lay, half asleep on my bed, watching an episode of Supernaural. Suddenly out of nowhere, I heard a strange furious murmur begin outside my door. I recognised that mumur - the sharpness of the syllables just said it all. Giving Dean and Sam Winchester a wistful look, I headed over to my door, stumbling right into my step-dad and a full-scale bitch about me. Turned out I'd apparently shut my cat Lilli in the bathroom. By accident. But apparently this was a mistake that shouldn't have happened. Apparently I need to "wake the 'fuck' up if I'm going to get anywhere in life" and I need to "start giving a shit." Keep in mind that this is an argument succeeding about a million others. And a million other things that I really hate, such as him glaring at me like I'm shit on the carpet whenever I get home from college. I ended up screaming at him to 'shut up, shut up' but he wouldn't stop, but I couldn't stop screaming, so I ended up slamming the door in his face and snapping the light off. And then collapsing to the floor crying my eyes out. And nobody came to check on me all night - not my mum, no one. Which sounds self-centered, but I wasn't exactly crying quietly. I started talking to a friend from my old school about what it was like to have a father figure, because my step-dad and I have never exactly had the most wonderful relationship. I ended up crying more and falling asleep on the floor in the fetal position. I wake up at 3am plagued by nightmares so strong I'm paralysed. But just when I thought I was going to go mad, all my friends' faces began to swim in front of my vision. Not physically of course - in the dream playing in my head. As mercilessly as my stepdad's bitching. But my friends helped me. They fought away the dreams. And so I won against the torture of my own mind.
Next day I woke feeling a little more okay. I cried again recounting to one of my best friends what happened, and then I lay in bed a bit moping. After that I put on my brave face and went downstairs and tried to pretend everything was totally normal. I ate lunch. Went back upstairs. Got changed and then went straight out for a run. I ran a whole three miles, trying to push away all the awful memories, focusing on my breathing, the music I was listening to. I felt better when I got back, and dropped off dreamlessly that night.
So yeah, that was my rather interesting weekend. Exercise definitely helps me regain control over my mind - I'm going to have to do it more often, I think ^^ I'm out every night this week too, so hopefully that'll help me avoid my step-dad.
Rach
Monday, 11 February 2013
Saturday, 9 February 2013
Some life advice
I want to share some life advice with you all today. Over the past few days, I feel like I've suddenly grown up a lot again. Being the strong one has kind of made all my stress responses kick into gear and as I result I've become so much more efficient.
If there is a guy you like, who potentially likes you back, while the reflex may be to go out, I urge you not to. Because relationships, on the whole, can be so awful. There is a lot of pressure and stress involved. It's not like the movies where everything is sunshine and happiness and roses. You might end up spending all day that you're not talking to them enough, why they're not talking to you more, whether you should go out on a date, whether they're cheating on you, this, that, the other. It makes you afraid to be yourself. In fact, sometimes it can really affect you. These are all things I had with my ex. And then when it ends, because most do, it's extremely difficult to remain friends. When all along you could have just kept your friendship with that guy or girl and been happier. Less pressure to do, say the right thing; be the right person. You have more freedom, too. Not to go make out with other people or talk to other girls/boys - although it's better for your friendships with the opposite gender - but just within yourself.
I still believe that there's a day when I'll find someone who will make me feel free when I'm with them, like properly with them. Maybe it is indeed GuyImetatparty. But right now, I'm not going to lose sleep on it. What matters to me is our friendship. Of course I miss him so much. It's an aching inside of me that doesn't go away; a thrum that will always pull me to him. But I respect the fact that, like me, he is unstable and cannot settle on anything. We are both the same. Maybe one day we will go out and it will be amazing. But I care more about our friendship than I do about some relationship, which might potentially go wrong.
There's some advice for y'all (:
Rach
If there is a guy you like, who potentially likes you back, while the reflex may be to go out, I urge you not to. Because relationships, on the whole, can be so awful. There is a lot of pressure and stress involved. It's not like the movies where everything is sunshine and happiness and roses. You might end up spending all day that you're not talking to them enough, why they're not talking to you more, whether you should go out on a date, whether they're cheating on you, this, that, the other. It makes you afraid to be yourself. In fact, sometimes it can really affect you. These are all things I had with my ex. And then when it ends, because most do, it's extremely difficult to remain friends. When all along you could have just kept your friendship with that guy or girl and been happier. Less pressure to do, say the right thing; be the right person. You have more freedom, too. Not to go make out with other people or talk to other girls/boys - although it's better for your friendships with the opposite gender - but just within yourself.
I still believe that there's a day when I'll find someone who will make me feel free when I'm with them, like properly with them. Maybe it is indeed GuyImetatparty. But right now, I'm not going to lose sleep on it. What matters to me is our friendship. Of course I miss him so much. It's an aching inside of me that doesn't go away; a thrum that will always pull me to him. But I respect the fact that, like me, he is unstable and cannot settle on anything. We are both the same. Maybe one day we will go out and it will be amazing. But I care more about our friendship than I do about some relationship, which might potentially go wrong.
There's some advice for y'all (:
Rach
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
A proud moment
I stopped somebody from cutting yesterday. They were feeling low and threatening to self harm so I got them to externalise all that negative energy rather than turn it on themselves. It actually seemed to work, but as my other friend has said, I have to make sure that I inforce that rule. It felt good to help them though. I went through this massive block of not really being able to help people with problems because I was scared of making things worse for them, but then I realised that there's no way I can do that. I've been through self harm myself and out the other side - and my experience gives me the antidote necessary to help others. I've been thinking about cutting again myself, but I've managed to stop myself. I've seen what stuff like that, what that kind of truth does to GuyImetatparty, who is always helping people like that, and I've gained a greater understanding of how that effects me. Plus, cutting would be a step backwards. I don't want to go back to where I was three and a half years ago. So that stops me. And now I use that to help other people. It really seems to work.
Short entry today as I literally have one minute to finish this before I go get ready for college. Wilson goes into surgery today. Wish him luck bros.
Peace
Rach
Short entry today as I literally have one minute to finish this before I go get ready for college. Wilson goes into surgery today. Wish him luck bros.
Peace
Rach
Tuesday, 5 February 2013
In Which I Freak Out in a Public Place
Hello again everybody!
I had a pretty good day yesterday, although it's true that I'm absolutely exhausted now as a result. My day started off as freaking awesome - I got a message from GuyImetatparty with a video which I went to go watch in the computer room as soon as I was free. It's called Paper Man and it's a Disney animation, it was literally so cute that I just sat there grinning like an idiot for ages. I messaged him back thanking him for the link and he replied with 'No problem, I literally spent all night looking for videos that would cheer you up'. I actually made some kind of noise expressing cuteness out loud. Rather loudly.. Like, I've never done anything so retarded and lame and girly in my life. I regretted it the moment annoyed student heads turned in my direction, simply burying my head in my arms and trembling half with laughter half with oh-my-goodness-you're-so-cute-dude.
Had English Lit after that (French is irrelevant, it was so dull). During which my teacher got extraordinarily excited about Auden, who seems to be her favourite poet. It was nice though, to see such love towards literature. Kind of inspiring, you know? There are too many teachers out there that just bleat what they know at you, set you homework and push you through your exams and then that's it. You forget everything you ever learned in that class and continue on with your life. My English teacher clearly loves literature so much I can't help but sit there and smile at her. It's like seeing a couple gaze into each other's eyes and smile, if you like. You can almost see the love as a physical thing, and it gives you hope. I've heard Auden is pretty boring too, but I'm hoping my teacher will make it fun.
After that, three of us decided to go to a nearby seaside town and just hang out for the afternoon as we finished all our lessons. Which was okay I guess, apart from the fact that one of them is my ex. Which was... interesting, to say the least. It started off as super awkward and I did genuinely attempt to form some kind of excuse as to why I suddenly couldn't go in my mind, but we were at the station before I knew it and I had no choice. It got better though - we went to go and see the Life of Pi, took pictures on the beach, and wandered around before we went to Nandos and then back home again.
The Life of Pi is, quite literally, a visionary orgasm. The first half an hour is insanely boring - and I would admit that the film doesn't really have much of a plot or much substance until you get to the end, and then boom! The twist happens. And suddenly the last 2 hours are totally worth it. But like I said, it was a visionary orgasm - we saw it in 3D which definitely helped, plus the colours and lights were absolutely amazing <3
So I have to get up now and start getting ready for college. I only have 2 lessons which is a relief as I'm starting to feel pretty tired xD think I'll sleep once I get home :)
Rach
I had a pretty good day yesterday, although it's true that I'm absolutely exhausted now as a result. My day started off as freaking awesome - I got a message from GuyImetatparty with a video which I went to go watch in the computer room as soon as I was free. It's called Paper Man and it's a Disney animation, it was literally so cute that I just sat there grinning like an idiot for ages. I messaged him back thanking him for the link and he replied with 'No problem, I literally spent all night looking for videos that would cheer you up'. I actually made some kind of noise expressing cuteness out loud. Rather loudly.. Like, I've never done anything so retarded and lame and girly in my life. I regretted it the moment annoyed student heads turned in my direction, simply burying my head in my arms and trembling half with laughter half with oh-my-goodness-you're-so-cute-dude.
Had English Lit after that (French is irrelevant, it was so dull). During which my teacher got extraordinarily excited about Auden, who seems to be her favourite poet. It was nice though, to see such love towards literature. Kind of inspiring, you know? There are too many teachers out there that just bleat what they know at you, set you homework and push you through your exams and then that's it. You forget everything you ever learned in that class and continue on with your life. My English teacher clearly loves literature so much I can't help but sit there and smile at her. It's like seeing a couple gaze into each other's eyes and smile, if you like. You can almost see the love as a physical thing, and it gives you hope. I've heard Auden is pretty boring too, but I'm hoping my teacher will make it fun.
After that, three of us decided to go to a nearby seaside town and just hang out for the afternoon as we finished all our lessons. Which was okay I guess, apart from the fact that one of them is my ex. Which was... interesting, to say the least. It started off as super awkward and I did genuinely attempt to form some kind of excuse as to why I suddenly couldn't go in my mind, but we were at the station before I knew it and I had no choice. It got better though - we went to go and see the Life of Pi, took pictures on the beach, and wandered around before we went to Nandos and then back home again.
The Life of Pi is, quite literally, a visionary orgasm. The first half an hour is insanely boring - and I would admit that the film doesn't really have much of a plot or much substance until you get to the end, and then boom! The twist happens. And suddenly the last 2 hours are totally worth it. But like I said, it was a visionary orgasm - we saw it in 3D which definitely helped, plus the colours and lights were absolutely amazing <3
So I have to get up now and start getting ready for college. I only have 2 lessons which is a relief as I'm starting to feel pretty tired xD think I'll sleep once I get home :)
Rach
Monday, 4 February 2013
In which I dye my hair
I dip dyed my hair blonde on Sunday in an attempt to fight the usual boredom. And it looks awesome. I didn't really spend that long carefully selecting the bleach - the woman on the box had blonde hair so I'm assuming it did relatively the right thing, and I could afford it without having to plod off to the cash machine and go get some more money out, so I bought it. Naturally I filmed the whole thing and later edited it for YouTube. I did, however, make the small mistake of dying a streak of my hair blonde, too. I aimed for just a small little part of my hair, but instead the strand expanded to form a yellowish layer over the rest of the front of my hair - so now, from the front, because you can't see the rest of my hair, which is brown, it looks like I've badly dyed all of it blonde. Which sucks. I don't actually know if I'm allowed it at work or not yet, but if not, well, it's not up to them what I do with my hair. And if they're going to send me home for it, then I'm leaving. There's so much crazy stuff I want to do with my hair that cannot concern them. It's my body after all.
My friend Mikaela and I completely lost the desire to go home yesterday. Literally as I got off the bus, these awful waves of dread began to wash over me - I'm sick of coming home to a house containing only my bullying step-father, being pissed off by the time I go upstairs and then sitting in a cold room writing essays. It's awful. So we bought some food from a nearby shop and sat in the park until it got too dark and cold to continue on with our lack of desire to go home. My excuse to my step-dad was that I missed the bus. He sent back 'Ok.' Note the full stop at the end there. Mikaela's Mum? Okay honey xxxxxxx. I don't think I need to say anymore.
When I finally got home, however, there was bad news waiting for me. My dog, Wilson, has a tumour on his leg. We're not sure if it's cancerous yet; he's having surgery on Thursday so I guess we'll find out soon enough. It's funny; I used to sigh and roll my eyes when I saw him. I always used to find him an annoying little shit, always so full of energy and hope and happiness when to be honest, I haven't really had any of those things. I suppose I was a little bit jealous of his precious little world. But seeing him lying there, exhausted, and then later on, seeing him roll around on the floor, completely oblivious to the world outside and what was wrong with him, brought tears burning into the backs of my eyes. I sat there clinging on to him for a while. He's not even a year old yet.
There's so much pain and loss and change in my life right now. So many things to worry about, to watch pass by, to mourn for. My Mum sits there crying and is hardly there mentally right now because she's on teacher placement and it is quite literally killing her; she can't cope with the strain and I don't blame her. My step-dad is, to be honest, no use to anyone. All he does is shout and bully and get overly defensive. My brother's away in uni. So I'm the one who has to be strong right now. I'm holding up okay. Despite the insomnia. But it means I get to talk to GuyImetatparty and he helps a lot. But I promised myself I would be strong. So here I go.
Rach
My friend Mikaela and I completely lost the desire to go home yesterday. Literally as I got off the bus, these awful waves of dread began to wash over me - I'm sick of coming home to a house containing only my bullying step-father, being pissed off by the time I go upstairs and then sitting in a cold room writing essays. It's awful. So we bought some food from a nearby shop and sat in the park until it got too dark and cold to continue on with our lack of desire to go home. My excuse to my step-dad was that I missed the bus. He sent back 'Ok.' Note the full stop at the end there. Mikaela's Mum? Okay honey xxxxxxx. I don't think I need to say anymore.
When I finally got home, however, there was bad news waiting for me. My dog, Wilson, has a tumour on his leg. We're not sure if it's cancerous yet; he's having surgery on Thursday so I guess we'll find out soon enough. It's funny; I used to sigh and roll my eyes when I saw him. I always used to find him an annoying little shit, always so full of energy and hope and happiness when to be honest, I haven't really had any of those things. I suppose I was a little bit jealous of his precious little world. But seeing him lying there, exhausted, and then later on, seeing him roll around on the floor, completely oblivious to the world outside and what was wrong with him, brought tears burning into the backs of my eyes. I sat there clinging on to him for a while. He's not even a year old yet.
There's so much pain and loss and change in my life right now. So many things to worry about, to watch pass by, to mourn for. My Mum sits there crying and is hardly there mentally right now because she's on teacher placement and it is quite literally killing her; she can't cope with the strain and I don't blame her. My step-dad is, to be honest, no use to anyone. All he does is shout and bully and get overly defensive. My brother's away in uni. So I'm the one who has to be strong right now. I'm holding up okay. Despite the insomnia. But it means I get to talk to GuyImetatparty and he helps a lot. But I promised myself I would be strong. So here I go.
Rach
Sunday, 3 February 2013
In Which I Write Essays Compulsively
Hello again everybody!
It's been another few weeks since I've last written - I've literally been so busy with A levels I don't even know where to begin! However, I am making great progress with guyImetatparty! He's been having a lot of difficulties with trust but last Friday he had a dream about me - and I'm the first person he's let into his dreams for months. He also called me special 'n stuff, which was amazing and really touched me :') I proceeded to fall over backwards and stare at my ceiling, making a very strange noise. I'm glad I'm persevering with him. I genuinely want to help him, and it feels like maybe, just maybe, I might be doing that, plus I like him a lot. We haven't met up in almost 9 weeks, granted, but I'm sure we'll find the time again soon.
My insomnia is still here, but I don't really see a problem with it to be honest. I don't feel like I need the sleep during the week, and I have Tues + Wed afternoons off so I can sleep then if I want to - plus I often sleep for like 12 hours at the weekend so I'm not complaining :P And I get to have really good conversations with guyImetatparty at the same time :) Sometimes I worry if I'm being annoying. I'm really, really good at convincing myself that nobody likes me xD but I'm hoping he'll say something if I get too annoying.
I've been relapsing with depression a little bit too. Nothing major - just stress about A levels. I've been writing essays and doing coursework in every single one of my subjects! And one of my friends, who I walk to college with every day, may have to retake her first year already and it's only February, which is somewhat terrifying. The teachers are telling us to start revising now, when I don't really see the point to be honest. We have a whole five months until our exams, and if I start now I know I'll be bored rigid by the time I get to May and June. I'll probably start to do something after half term though :) not serious revision, but juts recapping and finding a place for it in my head.My memory problems are worsening which doesn't help, but I blame the depression/lack of sleep/stress about college more than anything. But yesterday, I felt like I was waking up a little for the first time in terms of depression. I've been kind of closing myself off from everyone in the last few weeks, but yesterday I felt a little more open than I have before. So I have hope :)
We have 2 weeks 'till half term. Already started to make plans for our jaunts which is nice. It seems like I'll be spending most of it in a seaside town nearby, which I can't complain about because I love it there.
Anyway, I'm going to go and start looking at universities as my friends are already applying and booking open days!! Aaah!
It's been another few weeks since I've last written - I've literally been so busy with A levels I don't even know where to begin! However, I am making great progress with guyImetatparty! He's been having a lot of difficulties with trust but last Friday he had a dream about me - and I'm the first person he's let into his dreams for months. He also called me special 'n stuff, which was amazing and really touched me :') I proceeded to fall over backwards and stare at my ceiling, making a very strange noise. I'm glad I'm persevering with him. I genuinely want to help him, and it feels like maybe, just maybe, I might be doing that, plus I like him a lot. We haven't met up in almost 9 weeks, granted, but I'm sure we'll find the time again soon.
My insomnia is still here, but I don't really see a problem with it to be honest. I don't feel like I need the sleep during the week, and I have Tues + Wed afternoons off so I can sleep then if I want to - plus I often sleep for like 12 hours at the weekend so I'm not complaining :P And I get to have really good conversations with guyImetatparty at the same time :) Sometimes I worry if I'm being annoying. I'm really, really good at convincing myself that nobody likes me xD but I'm hoping he'll say something if I get too annoying.
I've been relapsing with depression a little bit too. Nothing major - just stress about A levels. I've been writing essays and doing coursework in every single one of my subjects! And one of my friends, who I walk to college with every day, may have to retake her first year already and it's only February, which is somewhat terrifying. The teachers are telling us to start revising now, when I don't really see the point to be honest. We have a whole five months until our exams, and if I start now I know I'll be bored rigid by the time I get to May and June. I'll probably start to do something after half term though :) not serious revision, but juts recapping and finding a place for it in my head.My memory problems are worsening which doesn't help, but I blame the depression/lack of sleep/stress about college more than anything. But yesterday, I felt like I was waking up a little for the first time in terms of depression. I've been kind of closing myself off from everyone in the last few weeks, but yesterday I felt a little more open than I have before. So I have hope :)
We have 2 weeks 'till half term. Already started to make plans for our jaunts which is nice. It seems like I'll be spending most of it in a seaside town nearby, which I can't complain about because I love it there.
Anyway, I'm going to go and start looking at universities as my friends are already applying and booking open days!! Aaah!
Sunday, 20 January 2013
In Which Everything Changes
I feel absolutely terrible. One because I'm currently nursing a particularly nasty cold and two, because I haven't written in almost 4 months and so much has happened and changed that it makes me feel rather sick to think about all the things I have to write about to catch up with myself. I suppose I'll take it month by month.
October 2012
I was invited to a party on the 3rd November following the impression I made on the people I met the night I last wrote about on 29th September. I wasn't entirely sure why - I considered myself to be an uninteresting, socially awkward teenage girl who didn't really fit in with the friendship group she'd found herself in at college. None the less I set my status on the event as 'attending' and put it out of my mind; I had a whole month to try and find the confidence to go.
Had an amazing half term with my old friends from my previous school, in which our lives were changed forever by the amazingness that is MCM Expo. We also had a cosplay photo shoot and plenty of band practice, which was really fun. Towards the end of the week, however, it turned into November, and I panickingly realised that the party I'd been invited to was approaching.
November 2012
So I plucked up the courage to go to the party. It was my first proper alcohol thing, so armed with two ciders and wearing my Iron Man cosplay (it was a fancy dress party), I knocked on the door and stood awkwardly in the corner for a while; I'd arrived half an hour late, and as a result everyone else was drunk, and I wasn't. So I chugged the ciders, and in my desperation also consumed quite a lot of vodka in response to a suggestion made by the only girl I really knew there. Within about 15 minutes I was completely off my face. I proceeded to go and play guitar with some boys I didn't even know, get off with one of them, and then go round giving people free hugs. I think this was the moment when everything changed. In my drunken state I saw a strange mop of bright red hair, and jumped straight to conclusions that it was Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance, and hugged this mysterious stranger very tightly. As I did my arc reactor went off with the usual Tony Stark sounds. Said stranger then exclaimed, "You're Iron Man!" So we were best friends right away; he looking like the singer from one of my favourite bands, me dressed as his favourite superhero. When I woke up the next morning we were friends on Facebook. A few hours later I plucked up the courage to message him with just the usual 'Hey, it was great meeting you last night, sorry about all the free hugs' etc etc, I didn't expect him to reply, but he did. We talked pretty much all day about the usual stuff, like what schools we both went to, what year we were in, et cetera. Ended up finding out we have a lot in common. A few days later, I started another conversation. We talked again about a load of stuff. After that I thought "Well, he's a nice guy, but I'm probably getting annoying so I'll leave it like a week before we talk again." Amazingly, 2 days later he started the conversation. We talked again. I told him about random boy problems I was having. He said he wanted to see me again. I invited him to a trip myself, some college friends and some other people from the party at the start of November were going to. He came. We got on as well in real life and sober as we did on the internet and/or drunk. Neither of us wanted to go home afterwards.
December 2012
Another eventful month. Arranged to meet up with guyImetatparty on the 4th, but he told me on the day unexpectedly he couldn't go. He then wasn't online for 2 days. I genuinely thought I'd scared him away. Cue two day depression. He came back online after 2 days and I caved in and told him I liked him. He told me he liked me back, but there was complications as to why we couldn't go out. We arranged to meet up again, he cancelled again. By this point, it was getting towards the end of December. Cue one of my best college friends' parties. During this party, one of my guy college friends told me he had a massive crush on me. In my depressed about GuyImetatparty/drunk state I got off with him and changed my relationship status. Cue awkward 3 day relationship with college guy. Dumped him. Lost about 14% of my self-esteem because of my stupidity and loneliness. Interesting drunk phone call with GuyImetatparty on New Years Eve in which I remember nothing about apart from the fact that it was 10 minutes long and I talked to his friend for some of it.
January 2013
More insanity of trying to meet up with GuyImetatparty and failing. I haven't seen him for 7 weeks. It's awkward between my ex and me. But there is occasionally pudding and GuyImetatparty and I are quite close now. Like, we have these awesome late-night DMCs as I've recently developed insomnia, and he's an insomniac anyway so. He watches my YouTube videos. I'm trying to get him to join deviantART. The usual insanity of teenage nerds really.
There's your catchup on the last few months. They've been... eventful to say the least XD
October 2012
I was invited to a party on the 3rd November following the impression I made on the people I met the night I last wrote about on 29th September. I wasn't entirely sure why - I considered myself to be an uninteresting, socially awkward teenage girl who didn't really fit in with the friendship group she'd found herself in at college. None the less I set my status on the event as 'attending' and put it out of my mind; I had a whole month to try and find the confidence to go.
Had an amazing half term with my old friends from my previous school, in which our lives were changed forever by the amazingness that is MCM Expo. We also had a cosplay photo shoot and plenty of band practice, which was really fun. Towards the end of the week, however, it turned into November, and I panickingly realised that the party I'd been invited to was approaching.
November 2012
So I plucked up the courage to go to the party. It was my first proper alcohol thing, so armed with two ciders and wearing my Iron Man cosplay (it was a fancy dress party), I knocked on the door and stood awkwardly in the corner for a while; I'd arrived half an hour late, and as a result everyone else was drunk, and I wasn't. So I chugged the ciders, and in my desperation also consumed quite a lot of vodka in response to a suggestion made by the only girl I really knew there. Within about 15 minutes I was completely off my face. I proceeded to go and play guitar with some boys I didn't even know, get off with one of them, and then go round giving people free hugs. I think this was the moment when everything changed. In my drunken state I saw a strange mop of bright red hair, and jumped straight to conclusions that it was Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance, and hugged this mysterious stranger very tightly. As I did my arc reactor went off with the usual Tony Stark sounds. Said stranger then exclaimed, "You're Iron Man!" So we were best friends right away; he looking like the singer from one of my favourite bands, me dressed as his favourite superhero. When I woke up the next morning we were friends on Facebook. A few hours later I plucked up the courage to message him with just the usual 'Hey, it was great meeting you last night, sorry about all the free hugs' etc etc, I didn't expect him to reply, but he did. We talked pretty much all day about the usual stuff, like what schools we both went to, what year we were in, et cetera. Ended up finding out we have a lot in common. A few days later, I started another conversation. We talked again about a load of stuff. After that I thought "Well, he's a nice guy, but I'm probably getting annoying so I'll leave it like a week before we talk again." Amazingly, 2 days later he started the conversation. We talked again. I told him about random boy problems I was having. He said he wanted to see me again. I invited him to a trip myself, some college friends and some other people from the party at the start of November were going to. He came. We got on as well in real life and sober as we did on the internet and/or drunk. Neither of us wanted to go home afterwards.
December 2012
Another eventful month. Arranged to meet up with guyImetatparty on the 4th, but he told me on the day unexpectedly he couldn't go. He then wasn't online for 2 days. I genuinely thought I'd scared him away. Cue two day depression. He came back online after 2 days and I caved in and told him I liked him. He told me he liked me back, but there was complications as to why we couldn't go out. We arranged to meet up again, he cancelled again. By this point, it was getting towards the end of December. Cue one of my best college friends' parties. During this party, one of my guy college friends told me he had a massive crush on me. In my depressed about GuyImetatparty/drunk state I got off with him and changed my relationship status. Cue awkward 3 day relationship with college guy. Dumped him. Lost about 14% of my self-esteem because of my stupidity and loneliness. Interesting drunk phone call with GuyImetatparty on New Years Eve in which I remember nothing about apart from the fact that it was 10 minutes long and I talked to his friend for some of it.
January 2013
More insanity of trying to meet up with GuyImetatparty and failing. I haven't seen him for 7 weeks. It's awkward between my ex and me. But there is occasionally pudding and GuyImetatparty and I are quite close now. Like, we have these awesome late-night DMCs as I've recently developed insomnia, and he's an insomniac anyway so. He watches my YouTube videos. I'm trying to get him to join deviantART. The usual insanity of teenage nerds really.
There's your catchup on the last few months. They've been... eventful to say the least XD
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